And so we slept,
in the third class berths,
deep in sweltering stupors,
dreaming of America.
Never hearing the scrape
that would soon remove us.
But later
bloodcurdling screams,
and hopelessly
locked gates
woke us to swallow-
-the bitter salt,
of a poor man's truth,
washing over us
like tears
in Titanic ways.
Author notes
"Till human voices wake us, and we drown" - *credit author: T S Eliot
A contest entry
- Quote Inspired, Keep It Short And Sweet by Exodus.
525 points, ended April 20, 2008, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Something about the third stanza doesn't quite work (at least not to me). It seems to be lacking in something that the rest of the poem has, a certain oomph, for lack of a better description. That aside it was a beautiful take on the prompt, very unique
Thank you -
-
just the facts colder then the icy waters
that bubbled up into their noses silencing their screams behind padlocked accordion gates playing a dirge of death.
toddlers held to the bulkhead ceilings hoping for one more fleeting second of air, perhaps salvation just a key away, till fathers drowned in the salt wash, and the toddlers sank to oblivion. all this was documented by survivors who managed to escape, through other tiny openings in the massive coffin known as the Titanic. perhaps with a bit more length allowed I could have clarified this as well.
nevertheless a satisfactory piece to add to my Titanic collection. Thanks for the bronze, Artis
-
-
This was really good, Additionally, I must mention that I really liked the title. I also liked the way the title and the conclusion could be contrasted.
-
Nice job. Simply stated and direct. It is an interesting and fresh perspective on a well-known tragedy. I think that you have done a great job capturing the perspective of the poorer victims of the disaster.
-
luscious imageries!
very piercing and haunting too...the poor man's truth
washing over us like tears in Titanic's ways, curse.
The distinguishment of the classes locked away to drown.
well written and piercing too!
cleverly written and smartly done!
ears/Seattle
-
I am struck with awe from this work, its perfect and immediately brought that scene from Titanic into my head. I may have to watch it now. Amazing work.
-
excellent atmosphere and description. I felt transported there after the first line.
'overheated stupors' felt too wordy to me.
'soon remove us' felt too abstract - you mean kill? or?
new stanza at 'the bitter salt'?
excellent ending stanza!
-
well done
-
Liked the flow of these lines, the brevity of them and the interpretation of the quote prompt. Such horrific images these words bring to mind.
-
Oooh, this is eerie. I cannot imagine the horror of the whole thing. Your write did the incident justice.
It put me there. Bravo! Shancy.
-
I enjoyed it. My favorite line was "never hearing the scrape that would soon remove us" It is very deep and truthful. Like they say you never hear the shot that hits you.
BEAUTIFUL and best of luck,
SILENCED
-
Great poem, I liked the way you exspesses yourself, my favourite part was "the bitter salt,
of a poor man's truth,
washing over us"
The way this is worded was perfect.
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
