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brother of mine

With no more strife
he walks a lonely road
destined to end his life
but only mother knows

Fallen from perfection
lost among the trees
lost without detection
thinking he's free

Wandering through existance
stumbling in the dark
not knowing the distance
or which way to embark

Sadness his crutch
anger his light
but it's still too much
for he can not fight

The pain too strong
even for him
the path too long
drowning in sin.

Author notes

sister

A contest entry

what do u think??

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Rashida
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed your work, the rhyme wasn't forced, and the flow seemed good. I especially liked "sadness his crutch/anger his light" - very nice lines indeed!

  • slapyousilly
    January 8

    Edit | Reply

    Hey.

    Which option does this go under.

    And, thank you for entering my contest I can feel your emotion very clearly and this is one of the things i want.

    Best of lucl.


  • e m i l y
    June 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I could feel this poem
    weighing me down with all the emotion.
    I have to say you did a great
    job describing and showing your
    brother.


  • TheDemonEve
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is ambiguous, but it adds mystery and depth to the piece. The emotion is very sad and powerful as well. Very arresting, I cannot imagine such a loss.

    Best of luck and thanks for entering!


  • Blooming Poet
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. this is amazing. something we all probably have seen or been through in our lives. Great poem. I like it


  • ml12
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sadness his crutch
    anger his light

    I loved these lines and I liked the emotions expressed in the poem. Good luck in the contest


  • BabyBun silver member
    May 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Small typo - should be "existence". But a really strong write - well done


  • Erozay
    May 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    its good =)


  • MalevolentDesire
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This isn't quite what I was looking for in my contest. The sadness and emotion behind your words are evident; however, there is no feeling of missing him.

    This was a very moving piece though, and would do well in a contest calling for the sort of depth you have provided.

    Thank you for entering.


  • SageyBaby
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You didn't read my rules properly..in the autor notes you are meant to write "indy cindy" please correct this. The contest is meant to be based on love and friendship, unless he is lost and feeling the dark because he has lost love or friendship, it does not follow, it is not clear to my contest HOWEVER, it is a lovley piece and the rhyming was good. It was a very effective deep piece, good luck in the contest


  • Li snuffles
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This captured the concept of not being able to open up...to the world and feeling the darkness

    I can see how much sympathy you conveyed in this, i love emotion

    very nice...good luck


  • lovemedeath
    April 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i liked this 2!!!


  • Redrusty66
    April 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice, wonderful use of vocabulary and rhyme scheme. The flow was perfect and smooth. I liked the imagery it created. Thanks for the great read.


  • Folklor
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'Fallen from perfection
    lost among the trees
    lost without detection
    thinking he's free

    Wandering through existance
    stumbling in the dark
    not knowing the distance
    or which way to embark'

    very beautifully written sister unbelievable rhymine and metter.
    i cant wait to get to know you


  • EmmaLuLu
    April 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is a very good poem. u write very well. the flow is amazing!! I have a new contest Ur poetry is amazing... check mine out x

1 - 15 of 15