Fury

I was three the first time someone touched me.
I remember it vividly, the road, the ditch, the dirt,
the cars that passed as that boy forced me to pull my pants down.
The sting of the coat hanger across my back wasnt what made me cry that day.
I remember him telling me how he liked it.
how good it felt.
that I was a good little boy.
the sting of their eyes as they passed in thier cars wasnt what killed me that day.
His name was bill pitman jr.
His father was just as much bastard as he was.
I was four when i saw my first porno film.
The big screen learing up at me showing the rape scenes.
When i watched my mothers head disapear below the seat i knew what happened next.
I commited my first sin that night.
she was only one.
We walked around that parking lot for hours while they fucked.
The scenes on the screen that night still haunt me today.
The silence of the other people isnt what warped my mind that day.
I was five when we drove home that night.
When he told me he was going to beat me when we got home.
I saw my mother in the door way.
She was silent as he whipped me with switches his son cut from the tree.
one by one they broke across me.
It was not my mothers inaction that scared me.
I was five when they came and took us away.
I remember well the sight of that house fading into the distance as we drove away.
Brown boards aged and weathered.
like my mothers face.
the foster homes werent any better.
Cicil godwin thought it was intertaining to grab my nutts and drag me across the floor.
Vera his wife sat in silence watching.
I remember her telling me not to tell.
didnt want to start trouble.
after all nobody wanted me.
it was not the neglect that destroyed my childhood.
I was terrified all through childhood.
everywhere i looked everyone was so diferent from me.
taunted and teased at school.
left alone at home.
sure they provided my food and bed.
I began hearing voices in those woods.
I still hear them today.
I started thinking that I should not be here.
I still think i should not be here.
When i was thirteen the courts asked me if i wanted to go back to my mother.
I said yes.
I wish i had said no.
someone told me i had a sister.
I had forgotten.
I didnt believe them.
It was the girl in the foster home.
why did they make us sleep in the same bed.
Didnt they hear us whisper at night.
I was her evil.
they where mine.
we left those homes that day.
I became a rebellious hell bent teenager immediately.
my mother wasnt any better at that time then she'd been before.
she still doesnt know how to be a mother.
I was fourteen the first time a man picked me up in a car.
I was fourteen the first time i was paid for sex.
it was not the last time.
I was fourteen the first time i smoked a ciggerette.
my mother gave it to me.
I was fourteen the first time i smoked a joint.
my uncle gave it to me.
I was fifteen the first time i drank a bottle a vodka.
I drank it all.
it was not the last time.
by the time i was seventeen i was completely confused about my sexuality.
I thought it was normal for boys to be picked up on the side of the road.
I learned a lot as a child.
how to submit.
now to suck cock.
how to fuck.
how to remain silent.
how to give in.
how to give up.
I did not learn how to say no.
I did not learn how to cope with life.
I did not learn how to talk to people.
I did not learn how to be not afraid.
I learned that if people where nice to you they wanted to fuck you; in one way or other.
I learned that it was ok for me to be hit, but it was not ok for me to do the hitting.
I learned that i could get high from a can of gasoline.
I learned that being smarter then the people around you got you beat up in school.
I learned how to be angry.
I learned how to be alone.
I learned how to masterbate.
I learned how to rape.
I learned how to steal.
I did not learn how to love.
I did not learn how to care.
I did not learn how to succeed.
I did not learn proper hygene.
I learned how to cry.
I did not learn how to smile.
I learned to hide.
I learned that religion is a lie.
I know that hell is not a place but a state of mind.
welcome to mine.