the soft steps in the
kitchen stick on the linoleum
click through the walls
in sporadic doses
i observe through the room's
chill, advise in whispers
lost in her quiet shuffle
to please stay away
i take form in her shuddered
wisps, shivered exhalations
she draws in from
but i always miss her bowed eyes
at last, she inhabits a quiet corner
a sanctuary from the nocturnes
drifting through the room
and reaches for me, despair
still creased in her face
and i wrap my vapors ‘round
her unstable hand
she cringes, asks me why
i’m so cold now
without ever looking up
but my reply never comes
and the last traces of hope
from my name in her eyes fade
as i am swept away by the dawn
Author notes
Part II of the series: http://allpoetry.com/list/53035-When-the-Nocturne-Quiets
If you have any comments to leave, I only ask that you be as honest as possible. If you hate it, by all means, say so. If you love it, go ahead and say that too. Whatever.
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This has a wonderful sense of the ethereal aether about it. A misty breath on a window pane springs to mind. Very sensual with a sense of times decay running through it, along with a sense of loss.
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LOVE this!
usually I don't like uncapped 'i's .....but for some reason they seem to work in all the poems of yours that I've read
this is SO vivid, and terribly sad......and i love the sort of other worldly voice that is portrayed through this...marvelous, honestly!
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awesome write
You did a very good job with this, it's truly an awesome write. I like it very much. You keep up the good writing.Well take care, and peace be with you. -
i like the feelings that are produced from this poem!!! a smile 4 u!!!
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Figures. I use the quick comment box and it won't let me do the clappy things. *mad*
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Yay! Clappies!!
Thanks!
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So yeah, I'm here and I'm commenting. You know, I red your first poem and you stated in your comments section that this is not a lie but it's about someone who has passed on that you were a lover too? I don't know. I think I'm confused there.
I really enjoyed the first stanza. It was well executed. The only thing I might gripe about, would be the use of the word 'aural'. It's overkill. Sporadic would do. Or that's my overbearing opinion, anyhow.
The second stanza, in the first line 'the' makes it sound awkward. And I'm a little confused as to what you mean by 'advise to whispers'. Maybe I'm just tired but it doesn't sound right?
The third stanza works well and I like that last line.
But on the fourth stanza, I'm confused again about the phrase 'nocturnal organs'. I think I'm just tired, so you'll have to help me here. In the last line, I'm waffling on whether on not you really need the word 'tear' to get your point across... but I'm thinking 'no'.
The second to last stanza is fine and I really like the last stanza. It makes me think that this was all a dream, though a sad one.
Ok. That's all I have for you. Useful or not. -
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Both the first poem, "Nocturne", and this one, its sequel, are from the viewpoint of someone who has died and basically remains in the form of a ghost or spirit. As a result, in these two poems, he watches his now-former lover as she is crushed with grief.
That "this is not a lie" bit is in there 'cause I wrote this for a contest calling for love poems with a lie in them, though I think I misintepreted what the contest-holder was looking for, and so wrote this. Oh well; I should probably take that part out now. lol
I do like the points you make, though. In the second stanza, however, it reads "advise in whispers", not "advise to whispers". He's asking her not to join him, but can only do so in whispers.
The "nocturnal organs" bit is in reference to the previous poem, in which the narrator states that he'll wait for her in their room once the nocturne, or pensive piano compositions being played in her home following his funeral, has quieted.
So, in this poem, when he approaches her in the corner she's in, she still has the stress of the whole ordeal etched her in face, because she has yet to move on from that day of the funeral.
That said, I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to anyone but me, so I think I need to go back and edit some of this.
I love your comments, trust me; they're always useful.
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Well, regardless if it's 'advise to or in whispers', it still doesn't make sense to me, when reading the line before it.
And about the organ line, well, I can see where you're getting it from now that you explained it, but I don't really think it holds it's own in this poem. It's just too abstract for this piece.
Also, the whole story line that you've got for this is great, but I would have never picked that up from reading these poems. So of it, but not as involved as it is in your mind. So if that story line is really important to you, then yes, you'll need to tweak it.
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The line before it just means he's watching her; instead of outright saying this, he states instead that the chill in the room means he's present. Supposedly, spirits or ghosts or whatever that're present can cause cold spots and the like. So, he's watching her and advising her in whispers not to join him.
It makes sense...it's just, ummm...elusive? I dunno. It makes sense to me, but maybe I should clarify it some in the poem?
As for that "nocturnal organs" line, yeah, I think you're right about that. I think I need to revise some parts of this to make it more unified.
The story itself is heavily influenced by/inspired by/based on an album by a band I like; they're the same band that wrote "Patterns in the Ivy II". The album in question is called My Arms, Your Hearse. The basis for that album is similar, but the storyline they use and the one I'm using are entirely different.
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Huh.. This was really interesting.. I liked it actually.. I will read the sequel soon I promise.. Great write.. It was full of a lot of emotion... I really like that in a poem.. Helps put me through.. anyway great write and best of luck to you..
Jetleena : -
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This poem is the sequel, not the other way around.
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My bad.. late night and a lot of lies uncovered..I still like it though if that helps make up for my mistake..sorry about that..
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