The dark that creeps up on us all
Waiting for another victim
To drag them
Just waiting for just the one
When they come
They are enveloped in this dark mass
A dark mass with swirling mater purple to a line the mass
And they see the dark mater to go forth willingly.
But when they enter
They can never venture
Far from where their at.
Starting to panic is what the do
Wanting to get out
But it was to late
For the door of this mater has been closed.
A contest entry
- when despair becomes beautiful by unraveled.
450 points, ended May 5, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
oooh lovely, m'dear,
i love the line
A dark mass with swirling mater purple to a line the mass
exciting~
-
First off I think that this is a great poem, I agree that the title does not go well though. I however fell that the repetition of some words gives emphasis on a specific idea, so in my mind that is no big thing. I like it that way. As for me I prefer center align because as an artist I believe it gives more balance to the page and is easier for me to look at. Your imagery is improving, and this in my eyes is a fine piece of poetry.
Great job Kelse, I can see your improvement.
*peace* -
First- you spelled 'matter' wrong three times.
Second- I prefer left-align, it tends to look more professional. That's personal preference, of course, but most of the excellent poets I have met will agree.
Third- I can see you are developing imagery, but it's not defined clearly or intensely enough to give the reader any emotion.
Fourth- It's probably not a good idea to use the same word in a poem three times (mater/matter, and mass) because it shows there is a lack of creativity.
Fifth- I like the title, but it doesn't match the ideas within the poem. I didn't feel like your poem showed the way that tragedy was beautiful, only tragedy.
Last- punctuation is your friend. Pauses help the flow of the poem, so try experimenting with commas, colons, etc.
I hope you don't mind my critique here. It's just something I tend to do as a judge.
-cassidy
Adding your comment:
