A landscape of tiny crests,
Each castled
by pylons of experience.
Every minaret impaling a pulsing heart,
Some barely moving
Some gushing their
Fighting bloodlets
that ricochet off
proximities of being.
A symphony of bleating
Hearts raise their fog-horn peals
“I hurt”
“I love”
“I lost”
“I want”
“I need”
“I crave....”
plaintive symphonies
Fill the night....
Smoke-rings' nebulae
Swirl, twirl and spin
the microscopic
ethereal doorknobs
of petite portals
to consciousness....
tearing open
and slamming
manically,
a cacophony
pounding persuasion,
that
the I is....
Empowering the I
in denying the we.
Author notes
absorbtion into individuation
A contest entry
- all poets love to roll words around in their mouth ~take 2~ by Star of Atlantis.
600 points, ended April 30, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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whoa....ooow. this is wonderful. the thing that kept coming into my head, is the fact there's no 'you' and wasn't really ready let that go when you hit me with the end.
Right on. Kind of physical, in your head sort of way.
Congratulations on the gold!
jin
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Thank you Jin. glad you moved from the nasty dark stuff, feel a little guilty about sending you there.
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nicely penned... greta use of verbiage..
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XXVampireyesXX:
Thank you. this is a little aged. How the heck did you find it?
Thank you for visiting. read as many as you like.
RW
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Brilliance
A poem most deserved of the gold awarded. This was truly a treasure to read, and one to keep close in reading and truly comprehending. This just brings back so many memories for me, through experience and hard times, the thoughts of denial and persuasion lingers throughout for me. This gives me the idea of a tragedy that happens in our lives for a reason, whether it be heartbreak, death, or persecution. Makes me feel like everything happens for a reason, even if you experience circumstances that seem impossible, there is always some sort of light at the end of teh tunnel, as long as we pursue that string of faith and hope, even if it's small, we can overcome the weakness.
Beautifully written -
Great piece for reading aloud as the words vibrate one against the other as though an instrument is being played... I am having trouble with the true message!!! I feel by the ending you are expressing the overbearing actions of the "one" prevents cohesion among the many... Am I at all close to what you mean?
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thank you for reading.
"overbearing actions of the "one"" more like the over perseveration and self absorption of the individual...
Punching a summary message is something I suspect I am not doing as well as I could. This was a contest entry so I had a little prescription on a word list. the front part is for lack of a better word the compelling persuasion of emotional ego that reinforces individuation. The final stanza is a reminder of social connection, or couples, or family, or collective unconscious .... or as the reader wishes... I kind of recoil at the idea I am giving "messages" since that sort of suggests I am as ego bound as the subject of this piece. oh, I get it... maybe I am
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This is a very powerful and emotional write and so i loved it. Beautiful!
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I like this very much I think the second stanza is brilliant and adds a tempo to it that makes you want to keep going, a suspense of sorts. For me the ending was a bit jumbled, I know that part of the message is within, but I think after the word 'persuasion' you could stop there, and still blow people that read this away. I think maniacally is misspelled, but Star doesn't care about it for judging anyway. All in all I think this is excellent!
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I shuffled the line feeds, so perhaps that helped. thanks for the constructive criticism. I did not want to stop at persuasion, because there was no resolution to all the heart wailing
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thank you hoodoo. this was slapped out perhaps too rapidly, and I sought resolution to all of that "hearts are whinning" stuff. I was trying to attend to how absorbtion into feeling, and the artifac of individuation obscured other belonging. but I agree, it seems a little awkward
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of the two you did i like this one best so i am glad that this is the one i will be judging against the other contestants. good luck
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wow you want to talk deep just stop right here and read. this is a brilliant poem and i love the sound that builds through it in my mind and isnt part of the poem at all... what i mean is hard to discribe but i will see if i can try. the things you talk about seam to be that all the sounds are contributing to this in such a way as to create a symphony of sounds that become the thing i hear in my mind as i read... perhaps it is my own heart and soul that i hear crying out as one of the voices in the symphony. i think i would have to be a fluit or perhaps a haunting violin but not the happy up beat dancing violin. not the right sound for this poem. my favorite part of this is the part where you list the things hearts say... so much we all are saying and yet we are all still looking and all still lonely even when they have found. interesting how we are alsays looking to be saved when all we realy need to do is love and be open to getting loved and then its all good and we could step out of the symphony of your poem. i think i hear everyone elses hearts and souls... i would like to think i am in the audence, but sometimes i am the voice front and center who thinks i am a solo act... beautifuly done and so deep thank you for chalenging my mind to think
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Wow! Very deep and such rich wording... has an abstract feel that allows the reader to see their own meaning in this! Fabulous!
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thank you for reading
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I had fun with this read.
I wasn't bored, I liked the
unique images portrayed with
a well chosen path of words,
and it flowed well. Good work.
WW
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