Shoved memories, centuries of hidden cries;
Cristale tear burried under worshipped skies
A lie living a turned way, a desire to pretend.
A committed breath taken, terrified of an unsafe demand.
A needy escape to shiver the dying slave.
A supposed loophole is the path to save.
An innocent, being lynched, sees a louver above
Though is lugubrious but smiles of a ludcrious love.
With belief in karma, being keen and tough.
Struggles his last minute in life showed off rough.
No bargain can be made: a malediction been set!
An everlasting minute: a life time in pictures is reset
It's ultimate emotions, fears, tears, screams, lies and needs
A fasten man of god suffering of his violent madness.
Between necrophobia and necromancy lethal sleeplessness.
Nauseating spirits invading the eroding place.
With the ephemeral envy erasing the last trace.
The open wound witness of crimes of the rat.
Shinning red eyes in the dark: presence of the bat.
A contest entry
- When Darkness Falls (only 5 days) by MYsecondchance.
315 points, ended June 17, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i need tough criticism!! don't be gentle
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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this is good thanx for entering
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It was all over the place, the lack of any breaks or punctuation made it all the more hard to follow.
There seems to be some obvious emotion behind it but I'm not sure you know what, or if you know how, you're expressing it. All the big important words seem (to me at least) like you're trying to find a way in which you need to express whatever it is you're attempting to in this piece...unfortunately, it only adds to the chaos. -
a lot of emotion here, but uncontrolled at all times, so I make this a rant rather than a poem. Typos abound, and the whole thing presents as a solid and impenetrable mass. Lighten it up with some line breaks, better punctuation - let the light in, and some of the dark images may scurry away on their own. Then try reworking what you have left, and you may end up with a poem.
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thanks for the comment i appreciate it but what do you mean with lighten it up? does a poem have to be sheerful to be called so? so what if it is dark it was written in a dark moment so? but when it comes to the ponctuation i agree
thanks again for the advice!
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I saw your note on the forum board .....this note
"hi everyone how are you?
i need to ask you guys for a favour which is to read the most important poem i wrote so ever; why? i don't know how i wrote it or why but i showed it afterwards to my english teacher who was stun and to my friends that none of them understood what is it about i feel proud to have it written but i don't know if it is really that good pls stop by and leave a comment it will mean life to me and thanks for putting some time to it"
Judging by the above comment, either English is not your first language or if it is? You show very little regard for it.
For this reason I find it hard to believe you wrote the above poem.
I'm not saying you didn't, I am saying I am struggling with the concept.
As a poem though, it's mediocre at best. A few too many unnecessarily long words (pun intended) and over the top metaphors.
The whole thing being bunched up in one jumbled mess of words isn't really a hit either.
No. Not a fan sorry. Even if you wrote it or not.
Dave. -
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in deed english is my third language and i love it! this is my second year writing with it... and i don't understand why would you struggling with the concept???
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You go from .... "i wrote so ever; why?" which can hardly be called English, to words such as lugubrious, malediction, necromancy and other nonsense words.
Something just doesn't add up.
But, good on you! For trying
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hen? nonesense words? and hardly english? look i wrote the poem i know myself better plus i am not that much happy with it becauz smthg feels like lacking in it for me.. i am still figuring that out and that's why i asked for help! anyways i am 17 and english isn't that much used in our lives exept for the 3 hours per week when the teacher does all the talking so don't blame me if my english is still awkward!
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It's gibberish lacks focus and clarity. It doesn't make sense as an example "with belief out of karma being keen and tough" what does that mean?
I read the intro on your page. Obviously you've found little in life to inspire you. If you're whole and have the presence of mind to think and reason you'll find others far worse off than you with little hope for improvement. I hope you find your way. If you're interested in reading good poetry click on "malmadre, rbruce, MysteryLadyMary and Sagerider."
Happy trails neighbor -
This just didn't work for me. I had no emotional response whatsoever. It's overwritten to the point where it seems you're reaching into a dictionary and pulling out random words to complete your phrases.
Parts just don't make sense, I'm not sure if its because of the word choice or the almost complete lack of punctuation. (eg "a lie living a turned way a desire to pretend" would make more sense if you punctuated- "a lie living, a turned way, a desire to pretend")
The rhyming is fairly simplistic (love, above; tough, rough, rat, bat).
You do show a wide vocabulary in this piece, but this is not, in my eyes, enough to make good poetry.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh to you but I am not in the habit of making congratulatory comments when I do not like a piece. Take care x x x
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no actually thank you very much this is what i need to hear i want to know what is lacking in the poem or what is wrong i have no adviser and i need advice... everyone has been saying that it is good while i felt something missing!! one more time thanks for the honesty
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This poem is the most exciting poem I have read in a long time because it speaks of things that most poets overlook and that's too bad for them! You are amazing and I LOVE THIS POEM SO MUCH>... like that last line is just so good with all that darkness and red eyes and oh my gosh!
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Bene!
Wow-that's really all I can say then.
The words you spoke have such an emphasis, I simply love it.
I think this one is my favorite of all your poems.
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heee thanks hon!
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