Pale, with imperfections.
Ragged, mottled with worry spots.
Dull eyes,
But duller hair.
A chipped nail.
Yellowed with time.
You were never that stable,
But you were never this feeble.
Your naranja quemado mane,
now a defeated sombra.
Your skin; Once, a pleasing copper.
Now your pale, speckled bane.
Do you see where hooch gets you?
Do you see where it led you?
And despite your former class,
you still fell into the dust of the past.
Is your heart, Mama, is your heart still alive?
Does it still beat with the song of love, mother of mine?
I look into your room.
Through the gloom;
I see light.
But not from your eyes.
This Daughter, your daughter. She cannot stand to see you.
You, who is the darkest shade of blue.
You, who only takes!
I gave you;
My help,
My hope,
My love,
My tears,
My laugh!
My very life!
I gave you everything I had, everything I was;
None of which you have returned.
Instead, you keep demanding more.
I must say now,
Adiós, Mama.
La amo, con mi corazón.
Author notes
To be clear, this isn't meant to be sad. It is meant to be a kind of story of sorts. Of how even when you try to help someone, sometimes it is just better to do what is good for you. No matter how much you care for them.
For those who need translations:
naranja quemado - orange burned
Sombra - Shade/Shadow
La amo, com mi corazón. -
I love her/you, with my heart.
And for the contest:
Yaypie!
ALSO: POWERPOWERPOWER!
A contest entry
- When Life Gives You Lemons....(Round 1) by Jfd.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can you keep my attention from the first few lines? [p/w allowed] by LeilaJayne.
300 points, ended May 12, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1709 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Happy random power by Nalyn.
500 points, ended July 5, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter by Lj-.
300 points, ended July 11, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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good
This is a very touching poem -
This is actually a very good poem, my poem here at the 69 contest is wild explicit humor, but this work of yours flows well and paints a picture and story wonderfully. I have a Spanish poem here at AP you might want to check out: http://allpoetry.com/poem/4170985
When people say I'm a really diverse person, they're right.
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Missed the power power power on the author's note thing xD (which means you read the rules)
I loved it a lot. It's awesome how it's bilingual. And yes, it is very powerful. Thank you for entering.
5/5 and good luck. -
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Whoops! I read the rules, but I suppose I missed that part! Sorry sorry! I'll add it in right away :B
Edit: Re-reading the rules, I'm not sure how I missed the power thing. Ah well.
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Powerful
This was really touching, and very deep and very powerful. It's hard to have to stand up to someone you love no matter what, and tell them things have to change, to say goodbye. In relatively few words, you conveyed that difficulty very well. I'm sorry that you had/have to go through that, but kudos on a great poem.
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ouch this is sad and very powerful. i think the line "You, who is the darkest shade of blue." is too beautiful for words! your desrciptions are very detailed and strong. the passion and hurt behind this piece has to be real..? which is what makes the read all the more sad.. yet impressive. keep up the great poetry. -Jamie
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This was a wonderfully expressive poem.. You really told and reviled so much within your words.. I see that there really is nothing that I can say that others have not said before me.. So I will say wonderful job... Thank you very much for sharing..
Best of luck..
Angel
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I love how you combined Spanish and English in this; the Spanish language is really beautiful and expressive and blends well with the rest of your piece. Very nice job; thanks for entering.
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You were never that stable,
You were never this feeble.
very powerful lines indeed! This is a very sad tale to be read between the lines. One wonders which is the greater tragedy, to drown or to watch someone drowning,especially when it is the most cherished person in your life. The anger and the helplessness felt by the observer, followed by the need to free oneself for the sake of self preservation come through strongly and the final line is heartbreaking. -
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, I liked your line breaks and some of wordings, I also liked the integration of spanish in it as well....one suggestion though,
"Do you see where it lead you?" lead should either be "led" or "leads"
thanks for taking the time to enter! -
Personally, I think this is a great piece of poetry, it pulls on the love of anyone who has a mother, here or departed. The Spanish lends itself very well, as the language of your heart and the translations I'm sure are well received.
As far as critique goes regarding the contest, I suspect that the paled presentation, wouldn't have done you any favours. I think I understand why you have done this, but I don't think it was necessary, or perhaps was just taken a little too far and so possibly made a bias against it.
Also, for me the poem stands by itself admirably, everything under... 'My name is Beide'... just adds a cloak over its presentation as itself, for what it is. Though very sad, it has much 'light of love' present and I feel that all the extra inclusions in your notes distract from this, if read immediately at the end of your poem.
Why the Disclaimer? I don't understand why you have done this? It comes across as if you look for a vote of sympathy. You don't need one, it's a very good poem.
We write it and put it out for what it is, and wait for response, that's all we can do isn't it? I would strip all the 'crap' away from it and give it the presentation it deserves.
These are my thoughts, thanks for inviting me. Sol
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I dont know why this poem at least did not get an honorable mention, it really should have....
I loved the fact that you used not only english words, but also spanish words. It's really good to be multicultureal. (Oh and thank you for translating.
) All the best !
~tehzeeb~
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I'm sorry about your mom. It was a wonderful poem and I was pleased to see that I've learned enough Spanish to understand it! A great write.
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Very, very nice
I hope it wins the contests! -
it wont let me applaud you!
WHAT!
I GIVE YOU A GAZILLION CLAPS!!!
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gah!
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i love your format and how you added the different language in there. very different and cool.
you put the good imagery in a different language but im glad you added the translations, love it. -
Your words reach inside and pull the tears from my heart...I to know how it feels to have a loved one wrapped tightly in the arms of alcohol abuse...niaish so much for sharing and for entering
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Very interesting.... I love the descriptions.. They are wonderful, I really like this poem - its a good read, and I'm happy i took the time to read it.
Great descriptions!
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Thank you very much! I'm so glad you liked it! I worked hard on it, so I appreciate the compliments!
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