Through smiles and tears
I remember you
and will for many years.
Through smiles and tears
Dad, I've missed you
when the skies are clear.
I will always love you
until my time comes to an end
through smiles and tears.
Copyright Cynthia Jones
Apr.10/2008
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I came across a comment of yours on an old poem of mine and it made me come to your page to see what kinds of poems you had. This was a very powerful write. Very reminiscent of the past. The loss of a loved one is very hard. I have been fortunate enough to not have lost my parents, but I did lose my dog back in 2002 and the grief I felt is worse than I think my family realized. Death is always hard, especially when the deceased is someone very close. Thanks for sharing this write.
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Great poem. A wonderful dedication for your dad.
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This is great
I lost mine unexpectedly and I feel a terrible loss. I take small comfort in the thought he would never want to be old and sick. He was a giant of a man in all ways.
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I think this poem is a lovely and heartfelt poem for your dad. Thank you for sharing with us!
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A beautiful piece my friend. Your words are filled with love, loss, and memories.
Be well. ~Pamela 
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Hi there :)
I have to begin by saying, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us....as personal as they are, you are strong enough now to place them for all to see and learn from ~
I want to say, I think Julie is correct, when she says....this is hard to critique, as personal entries usually are tough enough for the writer to lay before us....let alone having to be critiqued, judged and scored on it as well ~
....however, you know us quite well by now, to know that it is our job to critique and find the best poem for the PO' contests....and so with that said, I shall do my best ~
I think, as Julie said, this would have been better in ac ontest geared for, and toward the genre of this write.....and the length is not really enough to give me a broad picture of many things you could have said, shared or told to us ~
Maybe you were just be a little cautious....maybe you were not mentally ready to spill so much imformation....but....if we are going to be able to give you a full critique, then we need as much information as you can give us.....so, with all that being said, let me just get right into your score and you will see the other areas which I personally felt were your strengths and your weaknesses...OK?
Ok...good luck to you and this heartfelt entry,
....and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 8.5....cliche'....but fitting ~
Flow 8.9
Depth 7.5...would loved to have had more to read ~
Theme 8.5....not original for the PO' contests ~
Feelings 9.85
Grammar 9.1...repeating words is a no, no, especially in a short write such as this ~
Presentation 9.4
Uncommonness 6.75...this theme has been done too many times ~
Sit & Ponder Affect 6.9...no power or impact for me ~
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 85.4
Not a bad poem, just not the right poem for this contest :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work.....and please do not pull it because we say it's not the right poem for the PO' contests......because this review might help someone else out as well.....please join us again and choose a creative and original Theme and watch your scores soar!!!
:)
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Hi Cynthia,
Gosh, it’s very hard to critique a write as personal as this one, when I know there’s so many deep feelings beneath the words written. I’m very sorry for your loss, and think it’s a wonderful thing, writing about your dad. Hopefully it’s a help and comfort to you, just as writing about loss is for me and many others.
But...now I have to get tough about the write itself.
Firstly, finding the right theme to enter in a PO contest is a BIG challenge. We look for unique themes or fresh perspectives on old ones, and unfortunately, tribute poems to those who have passed away are plentiful. That hurts your score in several areas we judge in, such as theme, originality, and lasting impression. This is one of those poems that would probably do much better in a contest geared toward loss or pain.
As to the more technical aspects of the poem, I’d caution you on using a repeated line as you have when the write is so short. In 9 lines, there’s really only 7 that provide me with new information. I know you could have taken this much, much deeper than you have by giving your readers more description of either your dad or the process of grieving you’re going through, although if the loss is recent I understand how hard it can be to get those feelings out and onto paper right away. Even a character sketch type of poem about your dad might be an idea to consider, giving us a broader look at who your dad was and why you miss him so much. But as long as it’s helping you, keep writing about it in whatever way it comes out. Just be sure to enter it in a contest that can take the emotion and personal nature of a write into more consideration than the PO contests can.
I do thank you for your entry, and hope you’ll join us in a future PO contest. Bring us something fresh and unique, and you’ll be well on your way to winning that gold trophy.
Best wishes,
~J. -
So sorry for your loss! A nice tribute to your father. Good luck in the contest.
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I can relate to this, having just lost my dad recently and being in the process of now losing my mom. Beautiful tribute Cynthia! Really nice.
best wishes -
Sorry about your dad, but it sounds like you have fond memories of him, and what better way to pay tribute to someone than to remember them fondly? And that you miss him says something about the man, that he did as a good father should do and instill love in his child.
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Sweet tribute....
Don't forget to put your theme in the AN.
White background if can...
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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ahhh very sentimental write. very sad and showing a lot of emotions. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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