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Instinct (Triple Tanka)

The returning birds
gather bits of leaf and twig
making a new start
sanctuary found waiting
in the shelter of a heart.

They carefully lay
each treasure in harmony
hopes for the future
painstakingly constructed
held in place by love and hope.

By instinct alone
their clamant need compels them
look to tomorrow
horizons unlimited
freedom from earthly confines.



Author notes

Triple Tanka.
This my first and I would appreciate both technical and artistic comments. From what I've gathered, this should be close but there's always the "part not said".
Thanks!
Prompt: Love and Nature
Art Credit: Tomam - Goddess of the Birds by kuschelirmel (http://kuschelirmel.deviantart.com/art/Tomam-Goddess-of-the-Birds-74946293)

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    April 13, 2008

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    I love poems-of-the-moment, where thought (no thought) and action become as one. With a form like this, it is all too easy to concentrate on the syllable count. I think you have done pretty well.

  • InBetweenThoughts
    April 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry...my apologies for the delays in judging..best wishes, Ken IBT ..by the way this was very good for your first all counts good,good form..I guess this is somewhat natures way of being romantic


  • kacooper
    April 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful Piece. Even if i dont know much about Tankas ^_^


    • KayJay
      April 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the kind comment... I don't know much either but I guess doing it is the best way to learn.
      Ken


  • Emotions Muse
    April 12, 2008

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    I don't know much at all about the tanka form of poetry, but regardless it is a beautiful piece.<3 less


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    April 12, 2008

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    Nice job. A story about birds making nests or a metaphor for humans starting a family? On either level it is a job well done.


  • Fourthaxis
    April 12, 2008
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    Pretty amazing! I know its quite difficult to write a wonderful tanka and stringing three must have been a real tough nut to crack. well done!! Line 2 (last Tanka)does need some editing though.

    • KayJay
      April 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment and critique. I reworked the ending and numbered my fingers... I have it right now (LOL).
      Ken


  • Carolina Moon gold member
    April 12, 2008

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    I don't know much as yet, about the style you used, but what I do know is your write is BEAUTIFUL. As always. Good job Ken!!!

    Linda


  • frownsnfreckles
    April 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can't comment on the form until I check it out I'm afraid, but I would say the content suits the prompt perfectly. This is a real love affair embriodered into the fabric of the instinctual need to nest and mate
    'hopes for the future
    painstakingly constructed
    held in place by love and hope'


  • grannyeri gold member
    April 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely form you have used. here. Right on except in line 2 of verse three, think you have eight syllables instead of seven there. Great interpretation of the picture.


    • KayJay
      April 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much... I've reworked the ending and learned to count to 7 (LOL).
      Ken

1 - 13 of 13