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Sea

Take a deep breath,
Feel the sweet salty air;
The taste on your lips,
the breeze in your hair.

The soft yellow sand,
Blows gently through your toes,
The smell of the sea,
The senses explode.

Rain clouds do gather,
Not far in the sky,
The moisture is rising,
You let out a sigh.

Soft, gentle mist,
Now caresses your skin,
And the cool summer breeze,
Makes you feel warm within.

Your eyes are now closed,
As you listen and feel,
The sounds of the ocean,
And you let your soul heal.

.....
...
  .
...
.....



Author notes

.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Pikkie
    April 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow J this is a lovely poem. I can smell the sea, good luck in the contest. Missing you stax

    Your Ap Wifey


    • copypastedelete
      April 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      :)

      Aww thanks C. I'll try to be online in the next few days to chat. I'll get back to you with a time... no?


  • CelticQueen
    April 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This paints a restful scene. I can feel the misty spray now. If you don't mind, I'd like to offer a couple of suggestions.

    The soft yellow sand,
    Blows gently through your toes,

    I question the use of "blows" here. If you're standing on the sand, it probably wouldn't be blowing through your toes. Perhaps 'sifts' or something like that? Or if you want blowing, how about 'across your toes'?

    Rain clouds do gather,

    I am not a fan of tweaked sentence structure for the sake of a poem. It never sounds right. I would suggest deleting 'do' from this line.

    Soft, gentle mist,
    Now caresses your skin,
    And the cool summer breeze,
    Makes you feel warm within.

    You've used both 'soft' and 'gentle' in previous stanzas. I'd suggest rewriting that line. You don't need 'now' on the next line, and in the last line, you can delete 'feel' and it reads better.

    And in the last stanza, first line, you again don't need 'now'.

    I think if you make those changes, or your version of them, that you'll have a tighter, easier-reading poem.

    I really do like your scene. Thanks for entering.

    celtic queen

    • copypastedelete
      April 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      I honestly think this is the first time I've received a comment with true constructive criticism. Thank you. And Thank you for the opportunity in your contest.

      rgds

      John


  • evilbatwoman
    April 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent flow.
    I'm not sure why you picked this background while talking about the see. Your font with this color of background is painful on the eyes.
    I liked this.

1 - 6 of 6