Past Pain

Born a mistake Mamma told it so
Life is full of them the eyes see it so
The heart grows weak
The mind grows strong
Through these eyes I've seen the world's wrongs
Through this mouth the secrets don't pass
But with this pen I can show you my past

What you want to hear
What you want to know
Close it off if you can't stand it
If you know it then tell me how to deal with it

I put up these walls to keep them out
The nightmares, the friends
It's known they'll leave before my end
Because their end comes first
thirty-six passed away and through
My eyes watched one slowly die
He could have been saved
Have had two best friends
Take my secrets to their graves

Hold on to your friends, like a broken record
Hold on to your friends through thick and thin
Because the last thing you want
Is to be mad, caught up in a petty fight
As they break down so far to commit suicide
My conscious is full of grief and regret
Don't tell me to not wet
This paper with these tears
And write with these bloody hands
Look in my eyes see the reality, the fears

Bruised body physically took in
The pain of what some women been in
Their own blood they lay in
As a single lit street lamp beams down
Ashamed and broken down from
The one man that robbed them of the
One thing we our born with
And can never have back once it is gone

On the other end of the barrel
Is the man who holds my life
In his hands and with one button
Can end my life
Just standing there no where to run, no where to go
But not letting go because it has happened before
I know there is a chance, just tell him what he wants to hear

Stayed two days at the DRH
watching as everyone waited
For our friend to just
Open his eyes, let him live again
Hopes were stomped on and crushed
When the doctor told his brother
The beating to his head was to much

To much blood and tears
heartbreaks and fears

The fear of walking home at night
With a very dim light
Though no one is in sight
Their threats are in my mind
And trying to find me  worried that they will find
This is what the dirty money and coke game
Does when not in your favor the cards are delt

The fear of being over weight
Drove my Pulcina over the edge
Knowing she looks down and watches
Making sure that food passes my lips
Only one way and frequently

The fear of losing another one
Another friend not knowing how they'll go
Wanting to make sure to say all the good byes
The fear that maybe next time it will be you
The wrong place the wrong time
Never the wrong people
Because true friends are never the wrong people

Caught up in the world of drugs and guns
Much more complex than what most know
in their own worlds this isn't a TV show
Cannot escape Can't leave them hanging
My baby boy has helped me pull through
I'll stay at his side till the day
I'm outlined in the same white chalk

My people don't deal with the idea that
Drugs are fun lets get high
Alcohol taste great lets get drunk
We deal with a deeper darker idea that
Drugs are for money
Needed to get some where - anywhere
Alcohol is to wash away the memories
So that the body doesn't show
The truth.Doesn't let the stress show through
Keep the tears back until alone at night
Keep the pain at bay to get through the day

It kills me to know what I know
To go through their pain and mine
The one thing we would never do
If it crippled us if it killed us
Is to let each other down when we said
We'd be there, I don't care
What I go through, What they go through
As long as we together I know we pull through

There is no excuses
Big or small the promise
Big or small the problems
We never let each other down

The ones who been through the worst
I can depend on and they have life the worst
I know they show they appreciate
And at the end of the day
I won't change all the pain in the past
Because I know their going to last


This is a sliver
Of something much bigger
The emotion and pain
Barley shows through
A story hardly explained

My eyes move left
When I lie
My eyes look to the ground or to the sky
To find a way out or a way to explain
The memories

I am able to tell stories
And I have a past
And over time I can put the two together
To tell the stories of my past