Fate or God or Someone is Always Putting Fun Little Twists in my Life

I used to have all the wrong solutions to fix every problem that came barreling my way
It threw punches at my stomach and put bruises under my sleepless eyes
But I woke the next day like it was nothing new
As if the cutting, the suicidal attempts, the drugs, the sex, would make it all go away.

And I listened to you telling me I was doing it all wrong
I continued to believe I could just ignore till everything was gone
Little did I know you would end up being right, you always are.

But sometimes I’d lay up all night, reliving the nightmares of my once-upon-a-time life
All the blood,
tears,
sweat,
that miserable stink of sex lingering in your backseat
mental hospital trips and counselor talks
all these fucking poems I wrote just for you
and each one is a work of art
every time the blade bit my
veins
and the therapist suggested stitches but
I was too proud of the damage done to heal theses ugly wounds
well now I will always have to explain these scars
and thus, live with these memories
all your judgments of  failure and all the revolutions I planned to prove you wrong
all were so easily forgotten with a freshly packed bowl or a little pink pill or a gram of COCAINE
all abused in your honor to keep thoughts of you away.

And even though there’s only me to blame
I can only say thank you to all for bringing out the worst in me
Of what I used to be.

But thank god more for friends who care, though we may not speak anymore
And thank god for a boy who just wanted a piece of my heart to hold close to his
I would’ve killed myself if you hadn’t respected my life for me
'Cause you know damn well the drugs would've gotten the best of me.

Well once again I’ve made another one of my millions of mistakes
And like always I asked of the easy way out, always planning on an
escape…

But then I saw you little, teeny baby, growing inside of me
I could see where your little hands and feet would soon be growing in
You’re so innocent,
unsuspecting,
I was shocked at your vulnerability; it brought tears to my eyes
And now, for the first time, I am going to fight for life like I never have before
To make up for all the times I let life go ignored.

It’s so strange to feel a whole new life breathing right beneath the skin right beneath the surface so anxious to live
I can’t wait to hear your hopes and dreams. I can’t wait to hold your hand and show you how beautiful this world truly is.
I can’t wait to give you everything I felt I never had.