They were walking across the street hand in hand.
He did not look and the car did not miss.
Echoing brakes as it struck and a scream erupted.
Tires squelling in the night as the girl took flight and landed by the street light.
Wrath ran over to her broken body, and held her close as she left this world.
Olive whispered, "I love you," as she died and began her flight into the night sky.
Realization hit him quickly, as he felt that painful prick.
A piece of glass pierced his chest, leaving a bloody mess.
Very slowly as he fell limp, he closed his eyes and died in front of their eyes.
Everyone gathered around and looked at the two masses on the ground neither one making a sound.
Now in sight stood two ravens standing side by side looking around with curious eyes.
Gently, their wings opened as they rose to the sky.
Flying away, just as this couple did just like they died.
Looking at the ravens, you'll notice one has a little band on its leg.
You look again and notice quickly, the same band is on the girl's left wrist.
A contest entry
- morbid by FaygoJunkie.
330 points, ended May 21, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GORE ME... by Super-GOREgous.
570 points, ended June 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is it any better now?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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WOW
so far ive been dissapointed and i literally said "damn" after the first stanza... I
the imagery i get from this poem!!! you stand a great chance hun
-GOREgoua Gore (oh and thanks for entering my contest
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this is a very good wtite thanks for the entry
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i think....
you did a great job three thumbs way up i knew you had it in you great job -
nice
I loved it
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I thinks it's really good and sad. But i had trouble keeping up with it....so is this like a Romeo and Juliet story?....that's what i got out of it
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romeo and juliet
no its kinda how i see things in life f that makes since i mean when ure so happy and u think nothing can ever go wrong something awful happens but as a result of that u'll still find a way to be at peace
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well i liked it more
okay i liked it more it flowed better i felt more what you where trying to say but it doesn't not rythm but poems don't have to rythm the spacing could definatly change when you repeat the rythm like for example if you started the line over when it says struck click enter and then but and a scream erupt its just a suggestion and there are more things like that in the poem so yeah its very good but you could make it flow more i find flowing poems more pleasant to read -
it needs....
to be completly honest it needs alot more flow your forcing it to make sense try to make since but with flow
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