In rushing storm clouds and cold, drenching rain
The sky sent no forewarning of gut wrenching change
While wind whipped and whined through skeletal trees
Relieving their burden of golden red leaves
On a dreary, drowned day in the fall of the year
Just a wet, weary day recalled all too clear
When the threads of life snapped in a tick of Time's clock
Until all that remained was our anger and shock
A white minivan crossed the worn yellow line
Hydroplaned over asphalt and Chance was unkind
A drunk with no license and a friend's borrowed car
Came speeding along on his way to the bar
Just a dreary, drowned day in the fall of the year
Another wet, weary day recalled all too clear
When the threads of life snapped in a blink of Time's eye
Until all that remained were the questions of why
Two lives blew away on the bitter, cold wind
Leaving only the ghosts of what might have been
In the graveyard of dreams that should have come true
Our heads bow a moment remembering you
On each dreary, drowned day in the fall of the year
Like a wet, weary day recalled all too clear
The threads of life snapped but Time never stops
Now all we have left are memories and snapshots
Author notes
think pearl jam (wishlist, last kiss)
A contest entry
- Dead Letters and Black Roses by Redrusty66.
650 points, ended April 23, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I couldnt read all this...
my brother was in an accident aswell
and i know how it feels
But he escaped with only hospitalization
I'm so sorry for your lost
Ken
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This piece is very powerful.
Alot of emotion screams out from this as well as an urgent message. You have managed to take a very painful event and pen with such grace at the same time.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Thanks for sharing
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"When the threads of life snapped in a tick of Time's clock"
I really like this line. I'm sorry about your brother; drunk driving is so sad and terribly dangerous, as we all know. I hope whoever killed your brother went to gaol. Like another commenter said, the poem could benefit from a little tightening with articles and perhaps could use synonyms here and there, but overall it's a good job.
-Cristina -
Wrenching
I don't know if you're looking for critiques, but there are few minor things I've noticed.
I’d take out some articles: S1L1 “the”, S1L3 both “the’s”
S2 you’ve used “day in the first two lines. I think one needs to be changed.
S4L4 I could be more immediate with the use of the singular (“was the question of why”
S6L2 Consider: “Like that other wet day recalled all too clear”
You've done an excellent job of describing the angst one feels at the wasteful loss of a valuable person.
The rhythm, though not rigid, the rhyme not contrived at all, the clear message without melodrama, all go toward making this a touching poem. It also helps to have a place to put your feelings in a beautiful place on paper.
L
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very valid point on 'the'. i didn't quite realize how many times i used it in that first stanza. thankee.
did use 'was the question of why' in one of the rough drafts and it's still one of the lines i waver back and forth on. it sounds better yes but the truth of the situation is that there's a whole list of why questions that ran through my head at the time. why did it have to happen? why didn't he drive more carefully? why did that idiot have to be on the road right then? why didn't the other guy talk his friend into driving instead? why did my brother have to be scheduled to work that day? why did the other guy have to be driving that fast? there's almost as many whys as what ifs. so yes one sounds better but the other is more honest of how it felt. it could be worded better to catch all that but i haven't found a way to fit into the lyrics without screwing over the rhythm.
day/day i agree with from a visual point of view but i'm not ready to try changing it. the repetition appears glaring but this is meant to be sung.
hopefully, if i can get the music right, it'll work without being overdone because the vocal inflection and subtle emphasis will vary it just enough. that was what i'd hoped to accomplish anyway. whether i'll succeed is another story.
thanks again. this was quite helpful.
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wow
This was a touchingly poignant poem full of deep emotion and vivid imagery. thank you for sharing this heartache with us all. Great write. ~mandie~
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My heart breaks with yours as I read this such powerful words not forced but the meaning is painfully clear AWESOME
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wow
this is the best poem I have read for a really long time...
the meaning of this poem is so clear
so sad,
and very descriptive...
great job.
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Such pain is hard to write. You were able to keep some vivid, stark imagery within the piece. I too am sorry for your loss. Though sorry never does help, does it. Especially when the pain comes in such an unexpected way.
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Sorry for your loss. The words "dreary, drowned day" really set the mood. Well done.
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Great work on a painful subject. The imagery and metaphores were spot on. You brought across the emotions with artistry. Thanks for the great read.
I know the piece carries a personal slant and you did it and the subject great justice. -
Good
Very well written. Your feelings surface and carry the emotional force behind your words. A touching and eloquent description of a sad event. You use good imagery and maintain a poetic flow throughout the whole piece. This is a well written, thought provoking, descriptive, and creative all rolled up into a beautiful poem.
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Damn... That's so sad. I really can feel your thoughts and feelings in this piece.
Good luck in the contest,
All the best,
~T.S~
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