At the end of each day
Some grow tired,
Closing tightly for night
So that no harm would come near
The sleeping buds.
While others, sleep through the sun
Rejoicing with the moon
Opening to bask in the lunar lighttime
So that sun and moon may not bicker;
Asking for more dots of light on the belowland
Besides the sparkling diamonds beside them.
Taking for granted what they have
And thirsting for more,
All but spoiled children.
Though for shorter a time awake
These night-children close
As the sun rises over many horizons.
And the buds sleeping
Awake to a new day
Showering light, slowly.
The others awake to a new night
Illuminating the darkness like many-colored stars.
A small boy and his sister
Marveled once the day-children
But they soon closed,
And soon the eyes of two siblings
Began to close with the day-children
Four buds on the faces of innocence.
Until they saw something more marvelous than once before-
The night-children, opening, dancing before their eyes.
And the siblings stayed until they left.
The moon took it all in,
And the night-children closed with the coming of the sun
Who, selfish with her light, took more time than night.
When the siblings returned,
They soon grew tired of the day-children
Tired of waiting for night, for the graceful dancing to begin.
So the boy went to his knees,
To a sleeping night-child
Cradled among others.
With small and un-wise fingers,
Still chubby with youth
He forced open the bud
To see what colors waited.
It only peeled away as a silent scream let out
Feebly showing colors of what-could be
Shriveling
and dying in his palm.
As the other night-children opened
The scream having awakened them
They revealed their colors to the boy and girl;
And then died before their eyes.
For the night-children could not drink sunlight
As they drank the moon.
Patience is a virtue.
(copyright Evinde 2008)
Author notes
[Prompt 1]
A contest entry
- Personification! by e m i l y.
500 points, ended April 20, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1706 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Need Favorites ^___^ by edit my world..
555 points, ended September 3, 2008, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prompts (pw allowed) by Rhythm Child.
400 points, ended February 17, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME YOUR BEST by Mila7.
600 points, ended March 24, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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This is kind of dense and hard to get a handle on. I think it would benefit from cutting down on the descriptiveness somewhat. You paint a good picture, but a lot of it isn't relevant to the "plot" of this poem. Maybe you can open directly on the action of the child plucking the flower. I like the ending few lines especially, as they have a clear purpose and efficient writing.
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I see you had puctuation suggestions as that may be all that was available to them. The piece is difficlult to ge a handle on and understand so going for grammar is easy. Let me begin by saying that anyone with any age is looking for an illusion to the 1960's in clear form which does not unfold here. Rather we have this expose' of the difference between day and night where the night cannot handle the day. Using children as the characters brings in an entirely different thought process. I believe the chubby fingers is one of the best images breaking the buds open. It's like those who fight nature for what its rules are and if you go where you can't go something is going to break. I liked this piece because I never got on the inside. If this was supposed to be something plain on the surface, I am not in the know. If this was supposed to be captured by it either way, you got me. RC
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I would have given GOLD for it
it made me feel that real poetry still exist
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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A well written poem, but look at your punctuation. You have lots of descripition here, but errors in punctuation makes it a little difficult to follow the flow of your poem.
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Thanks for your suggestion, I'll look at it when I have some time and revise.
Besto of Luck
Evinde
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well done
Flows well, though the punctuation needs some work. Descriptive, imaginative, and interesting--especially the ending. A good and thoughtful work. Keep writing. I suggest that in your revision you concentrate on the punctuation.
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Thanks for your honest opinion and not just saying 'good job.' I appreciate that so I can revise my poem and make it better. Best of Luck
Evinde
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i also agree
then end was surprising.... -
great
I was suprised by the ending of the poem and the somber tone creeps up on you in a powerful way. Nice use of imagry.
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very sad ending it made me go ahhhhh great story telling and the detail was great kept me there till the end
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not at all the ending i was expecting but well worth the reading. thank you for sharing this with me today. i wish you the best of luck in these contests that you have entered and am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Absolutely stunning imagery. It feels obscure, closed, yet like it's letting you in at the same time.
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Okay, wow.
This is an amazing poem. Such a powerful message. It's something we should all remember and strive for in our lives.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this
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Subtly woven
The last line makes the poem.
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This is very well penned... Totaly worth the honorable mention... Thank you for this imagery full penning... Keep it up poet.
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Clever piece! I really like this! Thanks for the share!
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wow.
I love this. I can see why you'd win a contest. I've never heard of children described in this way and think you did it very well. Wonderful work
tweet tweet! -
Ah..what a thought with a wonderful poetry here bringing the universal touches of the life..I love it..and my thanks for such a wonderful piece...
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This is just beautiful and so clever. i'm a gardener and i love bumping into poems where plants play such a huge part in the piece. Along with being beautiful and clever, this poem is unique and has bags of style. metaphoric meanings galore a true masterpiece.
Who, selfish with her light, took more time than night.
keep writing! -Jamie
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Your description is so splendidly powerful. Your images are enticing and meaningful. It is, undoubtedly, a superb write, and it reflects the potentials you have as a writer of poems. You might distinguish yourself as a poet if you take your writing seriously. I liked the poem very much and so would the other readers. I'm quite sure of that.
Good luck, my dear!
Rahi
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Wow. Children and flowers.
I always believe when I read poems
like this I could never write anything
so wonderful. Thank you for entering.
GOOD LUCK!
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Sorry I had to use the default, but for some reason it won't let me decorate this. I hope you like it, and good luck to everybody else!
~Evinde
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