I am a recovering bulimic. I am bulimic. I am fighting bulimia. I have struggled with it for ... a year. Not long to some who have dealt with it their entire lives. It started in a hectic time in my life. I was in the process of graduating from high school, as well as having just started my first semester of college and planning my wedding. they say this disorder is based on ... emotions, and anxiety, and lose of control so i thought those things might be relevant. I weighed 114lbs when i started taking birth control a few months before my wedding, to get use to the change in hormones, and just like i was warned i gained weight on them, about 7lbs. I started stressing about fitting into my wedding dress which i had already purchased, so i decided to go on a diet. for about a week, with no results (the irrational thought that a week would make a difference ... ) frustrated i decided i would just stop eating. I had to lose weight that way. I ate maybe 300 hundred calories a day, for about a week and a half. I know people reading this don’t know me that well, but I am a very rational person. I am a logic thinker, I am a planner, and so the fact that I fell into this is …. To me unbelievable. For that week and a half I learned to ignore hunger pains, it worked for awhile, but I was tired and drained as you can imagine. It worked for awhile though, until I started having major cravings. So one night I scarified a drum stick (ice cream cone) it was good. There would be my first binge. One little drum stick not really what you think when you hear about binge eating but if you only eating 300 calories a day and you stuff 500 calories down at one time… to me that was a binge. I felt horribly guilty afterward, so I followed it by my first purge. That was the first time I put my finger down my throat and made my self throw up. The next night it was milk and cereal, and soon after I was back to eating normally but throwing up every meal right after. I went into the bathroom, stuck a pen down my throat, (it was easier than my finger). Everyday, at my house, at school, at the movies, at restaurants, I threw up everything I ate… and know one knew. Not my parents whom I lived with, not my fianc&#; not my best friend. Months passed and know one had a clue. When I started this … habit… addiction, I knew it was stupid, but I had told myself it was a one time thing, but it became… an addiction, just like smoking, or doing heroine. I told myself I could stop, I would stop …. Tomorrow….no tomorrow I will…. No tomorrow I will quit. After three days of saying tomorrow I knew that it wasn’t something I could stop by myself. I needed support, I needed someone to make me stop, because if no one knew, and no one cared than why stop? I finally with a quivering voice and tears streaming down my face I told the one person I knew I could trust, Chris, my fianc&#;. I spilled my three month secrete, I told him I was addicted, I told him I couldn’t stop. And he held me and told me he loved me and he did what I needed, he told me I had to stop, he told me we couldn’t start this new life with me doing something that could be so dangerous to my health. He told me I HAD TO STOP. And he would support me and help me, and he did. He loved me and encouraged me. The need and want to throw up was so painful to endure, I felt sick after eating, my mind thought about nothing else, the one thing that kept me from doing it was Chris, and the disappointment he would look at me with. I slipped up some, it wasn’t a I’m just done, but slowly I could eat without feeling sick. I could even eat ice cream. I know his love brought me through. I have broke several times since then, but I am happy to say I have not forced myself to throw up in five months. I feel it inside of me. I have put on a few pounds lately and it has brought me back to that sickening feeling. I know I am not fat. I will say it, I weigh 125lbs and I am NOT fat. I am on a diet…. I want to lose ten pounds. I went to my Grandma’s the other day a broke my diet, I had a big greasy cheese burger. I wanted nothing more than to throw it up just the quilt of it was making me sick, and I find myself right back at the beginning wanting to throw all the hard work of the past five month away. I told me, now, husband how I was feeling. I want to stop this mind set, I want the feeling to go away. I searched on the e-net for some treatment info. There was nothing. Its says I need psycho therapy or interpersonal therapy, I don’t feel sick enough for that. And I don’t have the money. The info said dieting is bad for bulimics but I know if I go off of mine… I won’t be strong enough to resist. I’ll feel too guilty not to. I know I’m not fat. I’ healthy. I’m not obese or overweight …. Then why do I struggle with this?
Author notes
Yes, this is about me. I ... don't know how to beat this, but ... admitting it is a problem i think is the first step. My husband is the only one who knows, and now all of you do. I wrote this for myself, no denial. Here it is, my imperfection.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i read this and thought, that we all have struggles. For its at the other end of the spectrum I eat when Im upset or just sitting around and i keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, but the day never comes that i take it seriously.
As struggle in life with these, well you put it right addictions one thing separates the ones that give up to the ones that continue the fight.
You are lucky that you have someone that stands by you in these battles, theres also need to tell to many people i think as the more people you tell the more advice you will get, sometimes to much of a good thing isnt all that good. Thank God that you have your husband by your side and if thinking of him helps you then by all means that a good thing.
Another thing i would like to add is, it doesnt matter if its been a week or a lifetime when you feel you got a problem its a problem and its great that you saw it before it truly consumes you, you know what they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
What you can do is look for a support group in your area, where the people in the group knows where you are mentally with the problem. Also remember that you if you find a group and you dont like that one, theres usually several in the area so dont be afraid to try them.
You can also look at the local hospital and they usually have a list of places that can help or have groups themselves.
I hope my rambling helped a little.
Remember help is always just around the corner, we need to get up and see which its actually at.
God Bless
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i know this is a long and heavy road to travel
living with this
is a constant batle
ill pray foryou
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Thank you for sharing your story - Bulimia is an addiction and has to be fought like one every day - you are on the road to recovery and for that I praise you it is a difficult road, but your admitence of the problem and your courage for telling your fiance will help you through your rough patches. I have read a lot about this and I will admit I know nothing about the feelings it causes, but you opened my eyes and for that I thank you
Myst
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i know where you're coming from. i was anorexic for almost three years... fully recovered now but with high chances of relapse in the future as i have proved to myself. -_- but yea, i recently started purging and for a week it was all i did. and then i realized that i just gained weight and i went right back to ana. and then i woke up and it was just like fuck eating disorders man. there's people out there that have no choice but to live with a disease and this shit's all in my mind. who am i to take my own health for granted? so i hope you're doing well, and i'm proud of you. i know how hard that is.
xx
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Thanks so much for the encouraging comment. Congrats on your recovery, i hope i stay on the path as well.
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np and thank you too
xx
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well I am so sorry to hear this, it is truly sad...I wish that things could work out better in life sometimes, but then again then we'd miss the lessons. I guess it's safe to say that when I went on birthcontrol the same thing happened to me. They said I "MIGHT" gain a couple pounds, oh and they were so right! Let's just say I am not as small a girl anymore as I was back when! Lol And in a way I struggled with anorexia, I guess you'd say. I have always been a chubby girl and back when I was in 7th grade I got my first boyfriend. I felt that I just had to be SKINNY. He was a very slender boy, and I was 150lbs or so. So, I quit eating. I just stopped and drank water and every once in a great while would munch on a small snack. I kept this up until my 10th grade year in high school. I fainted on the gym floor in the middle of a crowd. 2 of my friends where there and had to pick me up and help me. When I woke they shoved cookies, candy, juice, and all kinds of crap down my throat. I mean it was obvious I wasnt healty anyways, but then to shove calories, calories calories, down my throat, omgosh! Well, lets just say that was the last time I did that! So, I can relate to this in so many ways, it is sad to remember the past! Great writing though! ~Only1love4ever
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Thank you for reading and shareing your story, it's nice to know that i'm not the only one, i feel alone with this, but this shows me that i'm not. thanks for sharing.
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Beautiful imperfections- the things that make us human. It must have felt great to write this. Thanks for sharing it- I am very proud of you! I know I dont know you- but I am still proud!
I'm glad you have the support of your husband!
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