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Buying a whore

crowded streets
women fleets
the blue sky was repainted blue-green
my eyes caught a gal who was beautiful and lean
my eyes locked hers
realising it to be a big-big curse
i walked her without her knowledge
as i figured an arrow in my heart creating a wedge
with all my courage and might i decided
that it was time i said
how and what i felt
even if that meant i be beaten by belt
repeating prayers and holy hymms within myself
willing to give up all my ownage in gulf
i called her with the name imprinted on the coat she wore
without knowing she was herself a whore
she turned,and i confessed how in a minute i fell in love
in happiness and surprise,she went wow
and asked in return,whether an hours pay would suffice my minute-love
in sadness and disgust,i went wow
i felt low and cursed
the love which i nursed
i slapped myself for the mistake
and swore to never put my pride at stake
I walked back withdrawing myself from the crowd
which was as always noisy and loud
only to return in a second to ask her price
which was equivalent to 30 packets of french fries
i negotiated and brought her down
all she could do was frown,frown and more-frown
i took her to my home
which was 20kms west of rome
i went in and out
immensely enjoying the bout
just when i noticed my pants getting sticky and wet
how real was the dream,i wept

Author notes

I fear dreams
option-4:Write something funny. Simple
I need cheering up these days

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • mcw120588
    October 31, 2008

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    lol the rhyme scheme worked better late in the poem as it felt more natural. its definately amusing both the write and the willingness to share fantasy sorry anyway straight forward at times though more than made up for in the comic tone and some good connections such as her price and french fries and your ending couldnt have been any better thanks


  • xDemonicxAngelx
    October 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lol I really liked the ending. Definitely was the best part of the poem. You did a good job with this. Thank you for entering and good luck.

    Take care


  • Symphony
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "crowded streets
    women fleets" <-- I don't understand the phrase "women fleets" - do you mean, like, fleets of women in the same relation to like, a fleet at a parade? This felt a little forced rhyme to me, as I didn't understand what you meant, and so came to the conclusion thatit was just to rhyme with 'streets' in which case you could say, "women in fleets" which, I think, would be more comprehensionable - unless its an american phrase that i don't know :-)

    "the blue sky was repainted blue-green" <-- i'd suggest not to repeat the word blue, because changing from blue to blue-green isn't that huge of a repainting. Perhaps something like, "the sunny sky," or "the cloudless sky" etc.

    "my eyes locked hers
    realising it to be a big-big curse" <-- again, curse sounds a little forced, as though you just wanted to rhyme with "hers" - and curse doesn't really work with that, as "curs" [in regards to dogs, mongrels] would rhyme 100%. Maybe you could say "My eyes locked her own, I felt myself plummet, and let out a groan" - or something which would also emphasize falling for the prostitute, but it being a bad thing, yknow?

    "i walked her without her knowledge
    as i figured an arrow in my heart creating a wedge" <--- i just didn't really understand this. You walked her? Do you mean you walked by/past her? And, as you figured? you thought? or did you mean, as you 'realised' or something to that effect?

    with all my courage and might i decided
    that it was time i said

    "repeating prayers and holy hymms within myself
    willing to give up all my ownage in gulf" the first line here was brilliant, something that many men would struggle when goign after a wh*re, yet I didnt understand the 'ownage in gulf' *lost*

    "in happiness and surprise,she went wow" <-- a little out of the blue to say 'wow' i think, but i realise you do repeat it further down the poem, so that could be a preplanned idea


    "and asked in return,whether an hours pay would suffice my minute-love" - I liked this, the discussion, the thought, the possibilities.

    I walked back withdrawing myself form [from] the crowd

    "all she could do was frown,frown and more-frown" <-- I'd, again, advise steering away from the reptition here. "Although she agreed, still, she wore a frown."

    And the ending, as I already said, was an unexpected twist - and well worded too Hope this is all ok with you as you asked for my thoughts on where it wasn't good

  • Symphony
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ah; I found myself stuck for what to do after reading this, as it wasn't blatantly graphic [or not too much] and the language was mostly fine, but, I do want this contest to be available to all ages, and, as I think it improper for the younger AP members to be reading about whores, and wet dreams, I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove this one - as I think it does fall under the "Adult Topic" rule, which is mentioned on the front page of the contest.

    However, that aside, it was mostly well written - although the rhyming in the lines was often uneven, and thus hard to read aloud, but you got your point across - and, an unexpected ending, nice twist in the story. Thanks for the thought of entering, and apologies for having to remove it


  • echo-ink
    October 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    lol...gotta watch out for those wet dreams, hehehe
    really liked the surprise ending,
    Bell


  • sensualbutterfly
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a very humorous piece! I love it! Never expected it to end up as a dream! But that is what makes a good poem is when it ends unexpectedly! Thanks for the entry


  • Summer52
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    yeah...very good piece... In a hurry eh?

    ...only to wake up... wet in dreams?

    Summer51


  • LittleDecoy
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was interesting.
    it was different but i enjoyed reading it. =)
    thanks for entering & good luc


  • z etoile
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Now this was talent I DID NOT expect the ending a dream!!! This was completely awesome great job I look forward to reading more of your work promote something else this was awesome!


  • Ace13
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    haha

    Very funny and great write with a lovely story/nightmare lol. Well good luck in my contest


  • trekkergirl
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nicely written. Thanks for joining the contest.


  • HeartBr8ker
    August 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Nice

    Great write. Even better ending. Made me laugh

  • piccola silver member
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for entering. This is not really the kind of rhyme I am looking for. Do you write end-line rhyme perhaps?


  • Leanna-bean
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this poem but honestly it really doesn't fit into the options of the contest. Thanks for your entry though I really enjoyed reading it.


  • gypsyfan
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hooray for Whores!

    You might check out my poem, Streetwalker. I enjoyed this. Sometimes you have to take chances...especially in dreams for you never know what will transcend to reality. Good luck


  • Melissa Burns
    April 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Huh... well this was certainly different on a lot of levels wasn't it? Hmm yes, different

    Oh and dear friend no trophies will be awarded for your name, even if it's really, really cool - I am a stricly per work sort of person.


  • SuicidalLover
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That a whole kind of twisted I didn't expect. Unfortunately you have a silver now I'm guessing, so I can't let this win a trophey. Good luck to you in the other contests!


  • siddy jones
    April 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    funny poem.
    good luck in my contest.


  • 2lullabyhaven
    April 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yep, it is good, has that ending spin I like so well. A clue to a poem for me is how it is ended congrats on the silver

  • piccola silver member
    April 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    sorry, this has a silver; you must have missed the title of the contest or the rules.


  • nikkia
    April 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was a very unique and interesting read. i like how the title strikes you then you get to reading it and it's not what you expect especially at the end. great job! thanks for entering my contest and good luck


  • scenescene
    April 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    take and resend?>

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