I tossed chance like tokens
into pyrite’s pinball machine
and pulled the metal slingshot
with hesitation--
but its springs were my veins
colored in coils of silver;
control slipped over instinct-
and the ball bolted into the game
to crash into plastic mushrooms,
bouncing with insecurity,
until rolling down the slope
of lost confidence and conscience
screaming louder than flashing lights;
time slapped its face and left a handprint.
The mark stood still,
subtly waving my spirit on with symbolism
so it snapped upward to a black arc
and veered along tomorrow’s ramp,
paved in promises and lined with white lies,
to a coaster camouflaged in highway signs--
misled, it dropped inside a blue box
and burst out from prison doors,
falling through the measure of man
into an invisible unit; naked to the eye of existence
that blinked and never saw daylight again.
Author notes
Tyler
Constructive criticism needed. :]
I took Trista's advise and took out the I/me pronoun. I don't know which way is right. I don't really think it mattered [in my mind], but my gut told me to change it for some reason. Hopefully I made the right move. lol
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [first round] by blackday.
600 points, ended April 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
-
This certainly wasn't bad, but I wonder if maybe you were going for too much?
Your alliterations & such were nice. I loved that vein-coil image. It was the best of the poem.
But I'm starting to find these insecurity-whatever metaphors... boring? It's not you specifically Tyler, but I see them a lot, along with words like palms, nostalgia, solace, it's just starting to become... it's just something not new to me.
In this context, yes it is presented in a new way. I can appreciate that, but I also, I don't know. I guess I just personally didn't care for the poem? I liked the measure of a man line, but the ending... dragged too far for me. The narration of the pinball...eh.
I'm just rambling. It was good, remember that.
-
-
Alright, cool. Thanks.
-
-
You start off this poem with an excellent simile, though it is a bit reminiscent of your other works. Chance, cards, dice, tokens *Grins* Excellent imagery "veins...coils of silver" as well as carrying out the extended metaphor throughout the piece.
I loved the imagery of tossed in the first stanza, a toss seems almost carefree (as if you had extra). But then you pull the slingshot with hesitation. I don't know if you know what I'm getting at *laughs* but the imagery of tossing tokens appears in my minds like tossing coins. This seems to contradict the hesitation of your slingshot pull. However, the hesitation neatly brings you to your next point: instinct. So this is most likely just a personal thing.
A slight wording problem (for me) was "control slipped over instinct." Now, the phrase "something came over me" makes sense. But, "control came over me?" Eh. I think a better word choice would be "into". "Control slipped into instinct" Or something to that effect.
"plastic mushrooms" I just had to say, for me, that was PERFECT! A great way to describe those things (whatever they are actually called *laughs*).
My favorite line was "time slapped its face and left a handprint" the imagery was simultaneously vivid, metaphoric, emotive, and just plain brilliant.
"falling through the measure of man" that was a bit meh to me, simply because we have heard "measure of man" about a thousand times.
I really liked your little twist on "naked to the eye of existence" If you had said "naked eye of" I would have had to cry. Luckily you didn't and avoided the cliche altogether.
This piece was an excellent one. Your writing proves to be formidable yet again. Well done!
-
Tyler this was interesting and in all honesty I don't know how I could correct it.... you're def a strong poet and this can show that off.... good luck in the contest. Meg <3
-
I found this very interesting. I liked the narrative feel I got from the piece and the opening certainly grabbed your attention, but in a sublte, not too overdramatic way.
The only thing that threw me off a little was the length of the lines in the stanzas, as they varied quite a bit.
The contest however was very enjoyable. Good luck in the challenge
-
-
What's wrong with different length of stanzas? It's not really about length, but about the idea. I personally use stanzas to organize ideas. I honestly could careless about how long each stanza is, unless it doesn't fit with the rhythm. I guess that is just a difference of opinion.
Thank you for the comment though, I do appreciate it.
-
-
Wow ~ great use of metaphor! I was peeking at your latest Teen Idol challenge and saw your link to this, decided to check it out, and I'm glad I did. You definitely know how to carry a metaphor throughout a poem, and with wonderful, vivid imagery.
It looks like you've made some good improvements to this already, but I will say I think there's even more potential within this piece to give maximum impact. To me, some of the focus is taken off the metaphor of the pinball game with the use of "I" and "my" so many times. I think, had you taken "yourself" out of this, it would have had more power. That, combined with a few too many "filler" words (and, so, but, the, etc.) gave it a "first I did this, then I did that, then after that I did this again" feel. Usually that's something I see happen in short stories when a writer isn't sure how to move the story forward, so I'm wondering if movement isn't an issue within this as well. Just MO of course, but something you might want to consider.
Other than that, I think you've done a smashing job with the poem. Best of luck to you in the contest, and I hope you're doing well these days. Haven't seen much of you, but that's almost certainly my fault and not yours. 
Best wishes,
~J.
-
-
Wow, thank you
Good catch. I didn't even really see that until now. I am torn though because this is a personal poem - I didn't think I used too many pronouns, but I can see how when I did use them how the focus was slightly off. I'll do some editing.
Again, thank you. I appreciate this.
-
-
talk about awesomeness..
i'm in love with your images.. the whole poem runs so smooth.. just like the pinball. i can hear that ball, i can hear your words screaming from within..
i can just read this over and over.. your metaphors are crisp, and just the right digestible amount. i won't say vivid, because you never fail bringing up stark images in my mind.
ah.. what more can i say? i see you've improved your images through the comments you've got. i love how your whole poem stands now.
adore your ending..
-
I agree...very well done.
-
- until rolling down forsaken slopes
slightly awkward
- time slapped my face and left a handprint.
best line.
well done.
-
Honestly, this is better than what I could ever do. Here are a couple of lines I think need a little tweaking:
" but its springs were my veins
colored in coils of silver;"
" and my heart raced towards the game with a crack"
They just seemed a little "meh" from the rest of the poem.
I like what you've got here. I need to start working on mine, I've been putting it off for too long.
Good luck! ^^
~Cassie
-
-
and the ball bolted towards the game
how does that sound? -
Thanks
I like that first part you pointed out!
But i totally agree with the 2nd one being out of place.
i am just having the hardest time with that one part.
how do i show the suddenness of the release of the slingshot, and the CRACK! of the ball shooting towards the game?
People say it is out of place - but then, that is kind of the point because that noise is sudden...hmmm..
i'll think of something.
-
-
Alright, you're right, maybe that first part I pointed out is okay.
What you re-wrote is better...but still... I dunno.
Maybe you should, on the next line, say, "to slam into plastic mushrooms". Slam is a harder word, and it still has the intensity you're looking for, I think.
Ooh, just one thing, though... Try 'and the ball bolted into the game'. You're talking about pinball, right? Saying 'towards' doesn't seem right.
I really hope I helped.
I really like your new user pic.
-
-
Thanks! I thought it turned out really cool.
i guess i'm a camera whore.
-
-
I take pictures of myself all the time, I don't know why.
-
-
lol taking pictures is fun.
and i come out with so many bad ones. it's funny-
some of the faces i make. :] -
-
I take my camera into school to take pictures with all my friends, and I'm the only one with a stupid face. My friends say that I'm a really good face-maker.
-
-
-
-
i'm not going to use the word slam, i dont know, when i hear the word slam, i just think of another force causing it to be slammed [like me picking up a book and slamming it on the table] - when i say the word 'crash' i think of the ball moving on its own towards the bouncing mushrooms.
but you're right when it comes to intensity, it is intense, but i dont think it fits with the image.
i like the suggestion though. slam is a more powerful word.
i originally had 'into the game' but i dont know, i just thought it would be repetetive considering i used 'into' in line 2 and then 'in' somewhere in like line 4,5,or 6? I thought towards was good enough. But I do see what you mean.
but i think i am going to change it back to 'into' because i think it is just better, regardless of the repetition. it's hardly even noticable anyway.
thanks for the suggestion.
-
-
I understand what you mean. But I'm not sure of what other word might work.
I don't like to repeat words, either, but when it comes to prepositions, I don't care as much.
-
-
-
-
-
Pop!
Personally, I wouldn't put it in one of my own rights. But in this situation it works well. I liked the alliteration also, it made it fun, as well as the imagery. There was alot of depth to your lines even though they were situated into the theme of a pinball game. Awesome!
-
It's funny you mention the pop! and you lkining it, to be honest it was a bit out of place, but sometimes emotins are and it worked in the context so I don't hate it
I liked all the alliteration, it gave the impression of the movement and that was very well done
A wee thing I think would slow it up at the ending would be to put the "again" on a new line?
But that's when it goes into personal style, and that's what me as a writer would do (and lets face it, you don't need to take tips from me)
I think this is amazing, every line was packed with meaning, and that shone through as an amazing factor is a fabulous poem
Well done and good luck from Lauren the Flaurenator
-
-
"control slipped over the blood of instinct-
and my heart raced towards the game with a crack,
crashing into plastic mushrooms,"
better?
-
-
Niiiiice
I think it's better
you've made a stunning job of the theme
-
-
Hmm. You know when play pinball in the arcade, and when you pull back the metal slingshot and let go it hits the ball and it's like "POP!" - that's the effect I was trying to convey. I don't really know how else to word it without losing the suddden-ness of it.
I would have brought "again" down to the next line, but our maximum line limit was 25 lines.
Thank you for the comment.
-
-
I like it.
Great metaphor,and pop! is ok as well.lol.
Great poem overall.
I was highly impressed.
Your pal bones.
Adding your comment:
1 - 27 of 27
