There's a pornography war -
corrupting skeleton children
coated in finger paints on the black market
Gasoline fuels assassinations - running dry on vaccinations
feeding the soul while we dig in search of Iraq
Hospitals sell blood stains and
biblical passages - five dollars a prayer
Test tube babies born in the flood
Conspiracy presents the President
with opportunities to destroy
the sinners. Split the atom and
feed the Armageddon to America's idiots
Keep the world in line, keep the bombs falling
This is madness, mayday, what do you say
in the arcade of simulated government
Another quarter closer to death - another casket
says game over in the war over rats
Does it make you happy to know that
HIV is a government sponsor, financing
holocausts and bridges to hell
Put another quarter into the same game
Somewhere between prayer and President
is the game that kills the innocent
Porn and war take the children
All your base are belong to Bush
Author notes
I will be editing this.
-Lobotomized Jesus
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [first round] by blackday.
600 points, ended April 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I got this one. :] -thumbs up- & even though you have mysteriously left the contest, without telling me what's up even after I texted you & messaged you, eh.
You have such an amazing way to use alliteration. It's so... beat-esque. I appreciate that. A lot.
The first stanza was losing me a bit, but it picked up the more I read. The last line was weak compared to the rest [somewhere between prayer & president specifically.] I didn't get the hospital line, but that's just me. haha
The last thing I can say is that you used the word "game" a shit ton. I would think about switching up that word choice.
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Thanks
Could you re-admit me into the group?
Hmmm
the last line...it's an allusion to a poorly mistranslated Japanese game which goes, "all your base are belong to us."
thanks though - I think this may be the first somewhat positive comment I've ever received from you.
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Yes, I will. You missed out on voting though, goof.
& I promise you, I have given you positive comments. Remember that amazing sex poem you wrote? I still remember that one & I'm just harsh because I wish you'd write excellence like that everytime.
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the phrasing of the last line didn't click with me. instead of 'are belong' shouldn't it be 'belongs'? i might be missing something, because you are so intentional with every detail of your writing.
still dark-ish, as usual, but it's great to see new ideas. when i last read you, it seemed you were still recycling ideas. but that was forever ago. yup, glad to see new stuff.
good luck.
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Jeez Nate this is just..... dang! I liked it.... your metaphor and the way you related it to being just a game.... absolutely fabulous and good luck! Meg <3
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Incredible beginning. I love your little metaphors. Children and finger paint, gasoline and dry. "Simulated government" is a great concept. And somewhat true. Very nice. Okay, very intense poem. With a very high shock value. However, to be critical, I felt that your poem lacked imagery. I mean, you had all sorts of references "blood stained sheets," "flood," etc. "skeleton children" was the strongest of these (I could picture the emaciated bodies) but there were no powerful extended descriptions. You metaphor in this case proved to be a more philosophical one. It was good, but the only weakness I can see would be your lack of imagery. Other than that, I rather enjoyed this piece. Good flow, nice wording. Very well done!
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