The past

I see the way their heads turn to look away from me
They know what I've done; I know what I've done
So many years ago, so many cold terrified years ago
I can't bear to remember, but I just can't forget

Every night now, terrible images from the past
Come back to haunt me

Oh, is it not enough that I'm sorry?
Is it not enough that I wept for what I've done?
I have tried to make things right, really I've tried

I go back to that place every evening
I lay flowers on the grave, even as her ghost stands there
Watching me wih a knowing look in its eyes
Such terrible eyes, such terrible things they've seen
Things that I see every night, as I toss and turn in my sleep

She's standing there, watching me
Smiling that awful smile, laughing as she sees my face
And I can't escape

I've said I'm sorry, but it's not enough
It'll never be enough for her

I want to hold her again, to feel her lips against my cheek
But the only lips now are my own, cracked and dry
And her pale cheek would not bare itself for my kiss
even if I were to offer it

Because she hates me now

She loathes me, despises me, wishes death upon me
For the things I've done

I tell the world that I'm staying alive for her,
But she knows I do it to spite her
I miss her so much

I wish she were here with me, in body as well as spirit
I wish she were here, so that I could do it again

They know what I did; I know what I did
But they don't know that I'd do it again given half a chance

There's no point trying to make things right anymore
What's done is done, the past is in the past
But in the future I see nothing but the past
Coming at me from the darkness of my sleep
Hurling itself at me, throwing memories into my poor fragile mind

I deserve to be reminded

But those cold, cruel memories still give me kicks
I still smile as I see it again in my mind
My hands still wrap around an invisible neck
Sending shivers up my spine
And I know she's watching me, hating me
For everything that I did to her
For everything that I still do to her memory

I've said I'm sorry, and it's not enough
Because a lie never is enough
And tears can be lies too, weeping is a lie

I wept that night, and many others
But my tears were of joy and delight, cold satisfaction
I wish she were here to share it with me once more
But I just have to feel my pleasure alone
Like I always do these days

The knife cuts again and again
Deeper and deeper
Until my hands are a mess of blood
And the memories flood back, and I whisper her name
And she smiles gently, and takes my hand
And I stand up, and walk forward, arms outstretched

Finally, she's with me again
And I can relive those memories by her side
Watching all the pain and destruction I caused
With the woman I love and hate hand in hand

All those people can look at me however they want now
I know I'm not sorry, and I hope they know it too
Nobody's safe now that I've gone

They could be next