Weep not for me
I leave a battered corpse,
broken by the assault of time
for a youthful body.
My non-beating ebony heart
has been replaced with one never broken
by the lies and deeds of others.
The fears and anxieties of this world
have been swept away and supplanted
with dreams and wonders of another life
among the angels of heaven.
Weep not for me
for where once was
Cold is warmth.
Hate now love.
Death now life.
Author notes
Entered in your * Enlighten Me *~ contest
Photo from Photobucket
In a list
A contest entry
- ~* Enlighten Me *~ by Desire.
700 points, ended April 14, 9 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - - Go for the Gold V - (Pre-Writes...That's Right) by Desire.
700 points, ended May 8, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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beautiful!!
i enjoyed the poem...very well written...best of luck to you friend
))
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dis poetry is SW33T
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nike
COOL
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Welcome!!
Beautiful
Your piece qualifies and elated to see You back
Best wishes in my contest Sweet Soul!!
and much love~ Desire~*~
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I agree with Desire's last comment. It is so true. I mean really this write screams Ex-love. I know the feeling. Best Of luck in The Contest.
Silenced One -
Beautiful write. You make heaven sound like something we all should definitely aspire to go to. Congrats on the trophy!
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Thank You!!
Thank You for Your entry: Weep Not For Me
This piece tugged at the Heartstrings for some reason I kept hearing ex...ex...
like this feeling of ...does not understand and that person's loss~~
Several times I read and kept getting the same images~
but also was seeing a carnival...with the ferris wheel...if that makes any sense
These lines grabbed and pulled~
My non-beating ebony heart
has been replaced with one never broken
by the lies and deeds of others.
Fantastic take on the prompt~
Thank You for sharing Your Heart also Spirit!
Best wishes to You in the contest Sweet Soul
**Judging will be done shortly...
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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wow this is beautiful. its very deep and you have to look for hidden meanings, which i love in poetry ^^
you have a good insight on some very philisophical ideas.. and you sound so astute in this piece.
the format is perfect for it, and the background is great too. overall good write -
very good poem and the pic makes it better. Good luck and keep writing more good poetry~ I really liked the last tweo lines-Hate now love, Death now Life!!
REturn the favor?
. Rewarded 4
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nice. this strikes a particular chord for me since i worked in a retirement home for a decade.
in the first stanza i think you should either take out the comma or add a second one to the next line. i favor taking it out since you don't use commas anywhere else in the piece. leaves the line more open to interpretation and line breaking at that point already sends a subtle message.
other than that, i don't see anything else to criticize. i love that last stanza and the way you use contrasting ideas to hammer your point home. -
vivid, expressive, well put together
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This poem makes life sound like death and death sound like life. Very well written to convey the cold realities in this world, making the promise of death something to look forward to.
The free form stanzas work well and it says it all in a nice length. The first line stands well on it's own and leads the reader into the poem with the question in mind (why should we not weep for this person?)
Repeating the first line in the beginning of the last stanza reinforces the message and the last stanza acts as a closing conclusion to the thoughts.
My only real point of critique would be to punctuate the first line with a full stop and a comma after the first line in the last stanza.(But I have the feeling you have done this on purpose as your grammar and punctuation are perfect throughout the rest of the poem.)
Very good job.
alby
. Rewarded 8
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The fears and anxieties of this world
have been swept away and supplanted
with dreams and wonders of another life
among the angels of heaven.
this is put toghether well i like it alot keep up the good writing. -
good poem, well done and written well you clearly have a lot of taslent and i hope you keep on writing, well done
. Rewarded 4
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a cluster of the idea
suggests a transition to another life.Yet has elements of a change in minds set as respect the former way,please let it be distinct.thanks
. Rewarded 4
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Simple but Strong
Short, sweet, and to the point, so I'll try to make this comment the same.
I really enjoy the fact that this piece is so open-ended and leaves so much room for interpretation on the readers' behalf (as is evidenced by the various other comments).
When I read it, it makes me think of the concept of rebirth and reincarnation. It also reminds me of the song "Amazing" by Aerosmith. (It's amazing / when the moment arrives / that you finally see the light / Oh it's amazing / when the moment arrives / that you know you'll be alright)
Overall very good.
-Tim
. Rewarded 8
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Great poem...like everyone else has said don't change a thing.
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Rapture in verse! Nice depiction of the much anticipated event!
regards,
- phattkat -
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So good I LOVE IT, just curious is about God or what msg me sometime I would love to talk I Like the poem dearly
. Rewarded 4
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i think that you did a very good job and i would not change a thing and my most fav part was My non-beating ebony heart
has been replaced with one never broken
by the lies and deeds of others. plase keep up the good work
. Rewarded 4
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I really like this and the way it was worded good job!
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