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Tsunami

The waters retreat on the ebb of the tide
Whilst stretching before me, a shoreline so wide
There is too much land where the water should be
I realise then, it's a Tsunami sea.

As torrents of salt water rush back to shore
It sweeps away people, the land I adore
Whilst blotting out screams of the ones in it's way
It rips up their homes with a force dark and grey

As silence decends and destruction is seen
I look at this place where such beauty had been
The fierce hand of nature has tortured the land
It's heart has been ripped from the warm golden sand.




A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Mirthryl
    April 16, 2008

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    Very nice meter and rhyme. Excellent imagery in the first stanza. Outstanding (and alliterate) phrase "Tsunami sea!" The intensity picks up in the first three lines of the seconds stanza, but is markedly dropped in the fourth (compare the feelings evoked with 'torrents rush', 'sweeps away' and 'blotting out screams' to 'spits', 'foams', 'spray')
    Very nice start to third stanza, impressing the reader with the silence when overwhelming noise of destruction ceases, the vacuum of soundlessness repeated in the silent shock, incomprehension and disbelief of witnesses. You look at a place you loved, and through your eyes give the reader your sight to see...please, something bigger or stronger or more intense or thoughtful than 'I won't forget this experience for a good while.'

    I know you did not ask for a critical review. I do not mean to step on your toes. But so much of this poem is excellent, I firmly believe in your ability to make it a powerful piece from beginning to end. I hope you may choose to revise. I will read it again when judging, after the contest closes. Thank you for your entry!

  • Durlon
    April 9, 2008

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    Well done

    Good rhyme and good rhythm. But in the first line "waters" and "retreats" are not in agreement. And in fourth line "them" should be "then".


    • Gwenevere
      April 9, 2008
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      Thankyou

      I think it's about time I got my eyes tested.Thanks for the tips, Ros

  • Dee23
    April 9, 2008

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    dee23

    I can see remeber the Tsunami on that Boxing day. You did a good job with the poem and I certainly will never forget that day.

1 - 5 of 5