Scene I
Act I
have a nice chat
with mom
this was a statement with a question mark
and no punctuation
to answer.
I was still born,
un-crying at
birth,
waiting for our car to do doubletriple somersaults
360 degrees.
uh hu.
this I say oh-my-god-too-quickly I realize
too slowly and
you give a
tantalizing
bulimic little
snort.
Act II
that so?
this is a question
un/rhetorical
but I don't
answer.
that's our road, the one you just passed, I say out loud.
sometimes when
you slam on brakes
the car locks up and
-as all things do-
dies.
Act III
empty. free. way.
lots of words come
out. examples like
fuck and bitch and other
words my mom washed
my mouth out for
saying.
"I try and I try and I try and this is what I get"
I'm not sure what
this is. I want to ask
but then you are
at the passenger door
dragging me out
by my hair.
scene II
Act I
I think how this is so
much like when we were
married but not so
cricket-y and not
so woodsy and not
so much.
I don't want to be telling this story of a lovely lady who never had three children of her own. the woods are lovely dark and deep, this I think, is a very good poem.
you say I need this
and it's for
my own good and
what the fucking
hell did you tell me
about telling people
our problems.
or something like
that.
Act II
maybe this isn't true
at all and
I'm a happy person
with a happy life.
the car hums and I
think
I thought it was
supposed to be dead.
and then I wonder
maybe it's you?
and then,
it's probably me.
but nope;
it's the car.
Author notes
khourey/zil
A contest entry
- ring around the prose 2 by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended April 9, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I need to catch up... (for my favorites) by IrishYndina.
800 points, ended April 24, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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sorry if this makes no sense but ...
god i love how this is written. the way it reads it just like what my brain did when i was too too god too fucked up stoned. its marvelous how someone can write with the voice of a melting brain haha. but i think it does that to me because of the way its cut up with the Act and Scene thing. i would usually hate that, but fuck you did it so well.
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thanks. I probably wrote this when I went through my play-reading phase.
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this is written in a very unique style. i love how you used the 'act' to seperate the parts, maybe not seperate but transition...i think it gave the character to whom you were writing this to, an apparent fake quality. if that is what you intended - and even if you didnt intend that - i thought it was a great idea, a great strategy in characterization, and it added so much more anger and frustration. or maybe it isn't intended to characterize, but to compare the event to an act; as if it weren't real, but just a drama - perhaps it really did happen and you're just having trouble believing it. just some thoughts about the organization of the poem, which i find really captivating. if this is an experimental piece, which it seems that way - i think it is a success. i enjoyed this.
good luck in the contest.
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I would call this writing: prose meets poetry meets play...Yes? So like "poesyplaypro"...LOL.
"what the fucking
hell did you tell me
about telling people
our problems."
- I felt the "tell" and the "telling" was a little strange, but that's all. And if that's all I find wrong with this experimental piece...Then I must tell you that it is quite good.
"not so
cricket-y and not
so woodsy and not
so much."
- I loved the word play here.
Yes this is very different for you and still quite strong. It's almost like little memories stranded on the mind and written as they come to you, long after they were almost forgotten. I would love to see this with no punctuation though, as I do think there are some moments where it would work fine with none at all...Just to see how it reads.
Thanks so much for a great entry and good luck.
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I hope you continue to experiment with this kind of poetry, because your voice suits it very well! I love the way you have this broken up into scenes and acts, and I love the way that it progresses. The English major in me wants to go through and rearrange a lot of your punctuation, but that's just me. You might reconsider some of your punctuation marks, though - well-used punctuation can be very powerful. I really liked Scene II, Act I for some reason. The imagery was very well-done there, and it hit home. Overall, this is a very strong and powerful piece, and I can tell you've put a lot into it. It shows - this is great!
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this seemed more like a story to me than a poem but in the end i really enjoyed reading it ! you did a great job at prose. congrats on the award it is well deserved.
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congrats on being noticed
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Wow, i really liked this. i think this is the first i have read you, but i'm impressed, i enjoyed reading
the intentional profanity was a good stylistic choice for this piece. and i also liked the car throughout, a continual feeling of driving on, leaving, etc.
-cassidy
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Not necessarily the prose type that I was looking for - I would have liked to see something a bit more in 'story' form but that aside...
Love the play on the word stillborn, really nicely done. I respect when words can be handled and handled well.
As a whole this is a bit more abstract like poetry, but nonetheless it is well done. Your emotions are strong and the images clear. Very nicely done.
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ugh, thanks. I should've known I wouldn't get it right. Ah well, I will try again.
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this I say oh-my-god-too-quickly I realize
too slowly and
you give a
tantalizing
bulimic little
snort.
jesus, you're good. i may end up writing a contest based on this poem...
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Thanks so much. I'm glad it was okay.
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I couldn't critique this...because I find no flaw. this is really, really beautiful and beautifully ironic. I love it.
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Thank you.
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