You need to clean yourself up. She said. because when you put yourself into that illegal trance, you hold your arms out and embrace the absence of life. you chug along on some lost train of thought and mumble meaningless words like I Love You...I Love You. she said. you need to stop because this isn’t a solo flight, there’s passengers on your plane and your out of control. your next move is crucial to the survival of both my life and yours .why cant you see that you hurt her, every inconsiderate time you intoxicate your body with those mind altering substances you forget her name as you sink into a wide eyed dream. you bury your life under the ashes. she said. You overlook her phone calls just as quickly as you flick your joint. Mindless and Empty. You fail to grasp the simple ways of living and lean on dreams to fulfill the rumbling stomach of life. There are just not enough words flowing in your veins to keep you going. you need a blood transfusion. She said. because every cell in your body is infected. You cough out your beliefs and contaminate those around you. You effortlessly inhale oxygen deprived smoke and exhale the song of death… “we're on a bullet and we're headed straight into god. even he'd like to end it too..”. you softly scream out to society. to who ever is listening. She listens. She said. but your eyes, they’re searching for meaning and coming up empty. So you shut your eyes and you think that the whole world just drops dead. Drop dead. She said. you need to clean yourself up.
Author notes
i used option 2. i know its more like prose than anything, so i dont know if this is what your looking for or not
A contest entry
- I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover? by Poetic Obscenity.
1000 points, ended July 6, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love that is lost by Megan Awesome.
550 points, ended July 7, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ** *INSPIRE ME PLEASE>> EVERYONE ENTER!!!*** by PrInCeSs AnAsTaCiA.
400 points, ended August 24, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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beautiful piece, so true and full of emotion, thanks so much for entering my contest \
best of luck -
This isn't really what I was looking for. I was really hoping for some poetry and not a story like thing. But thank you for entering my contest anyway!!!
Megan -
thank you so much! ive been searching for a contest that accepts pre writes because i think this is probably the best thing i have ever written and i've wanted to get it out there some how.. anyways I'm glad you like it, good luck judging!
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Ok, first of all. I'd like to say, Prose or not, this is an absolutley amazing piece. I love the format because i feel if you would have given it any other, i really wouldn't have liked it as much. It's more than a dear diary, more than a letter to a lover..i mean..It's just absolutley perfect, in my opinion.
Usually i spot light my favorite line or two from the poem but i've got a lot i'd like to talk about. They are as follows..
"you chug along on some lost train of thought and mumble meaningless words like I Love You...I Love You. she said. you need to stop because this isn’t a solo flight, there’s passengers on your plane and your out of control. your next move is crucial to the survival of both my life and yours"
That is so beautifully said. I mean, it's metaphor after metaphor. When you can incorporate metaphors, you've got talent. They aren't easy like similies. =] I also love the different ways you can use "You CHUG along" I mean, of course in the train context but also a drinking problem, or perhaps even the smoking problem that's talked about.
"You fail to grasp the simple ways of living and lean on dreams to fulfill the rumbling stomach of life."
Wow. I can totally understand that. My step dad being the one of which i'm talking about. Though, you...describe their idleness so very well.
“we're on a bullet and we're headed straight into god. even he'd like to end it too..”.
=] You know. I'm absolutley obsessed with Marilyn Manson, I love "The Death Song". Though this poem takes a slight negative outlook on it, surprisingly i didn't take offense, i actually love the way you've used it here.
"So you shut your eyes and you think that the whole world just drops dead. Drop dead. She said. you need to clean yourself up. "
An absolutley amazing ending to a wonderful piece. It's definitly an "In your face" kinda thing. I llove it.
Thank you dearly for your entry and good luck. Welcome to the finalists round.
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