late night misery;; i still love you.

i'm sitting on my back porch, which just so happens to stare right at yours -- and i'm hoping that you might get up for a midnight cigarette as well; maybe our swirls of smoke can be carried in the cold air to find each other, maybe they'll meet somewhere in the middle and do a little dance around each other. you know, like the dance we used to do? the one where you'd pull me in and hold me close; shove beautiful lies (promises of tomorrow) in my ear -- but when the sun came up you'd be long gone -- leaving me to choke down my breakfast alone. always alone, cause even when you were here you were gone; where were you? and why wasn't i ever good enough?

but i'm sitting here, and you're not appearing. and my heart is breaking; my smoke trailing off on it's own to find it's final resting place somewhere outside your window. maybe the same spot i sat and cried that time i broke in the middle of the night when i chose to let you go; decided i was stronger than this and left you a note in the frost on the window (goodbye beautiful xoxo && sealed it with a frozen kiss).

if only i could rewind time i'd take it back. i'd run back across the bridge that leads from my dorm to yours and i'd use the heat of my breath and melt the worst mistake i ever made... away && you'd still love me; every once in a while -- but isn't that better than never? i'd rather fight with you, the one who tears my heart to pieces, than be happy with someone who i feel no emotions with. at least i feel something right? maybe i'm delusional... maybe it's all part of the process of letting go.

but i wish i'd see you walk outside, sleepy eyed, cranky, hair all tousled -- you always did look your best in the middle of the night, hovering above me with those "baby, take me now" eyes; breathing heavily in my ear telling me all the dirty things i love to hear.

oh baby, if only you knew how much i miss the way you'd make me bleed, inside and out. it seems i always get myself into these situations, loving the ones who don't want to be loved -- or rather, the ones who want to be loved but are afraid they'll never found the love they had in the past, afraid they'll be hurt. so you lie to yourself and tell yourself you don't care -- but did you know, that i sometimes still come to your window on nights like this and look in and there you are lying on your bed my picture and the only love letter i've ever written pinned to the wall by your head. i remember the day i gave you that letter [filled with sarcasm and the bitch that lies inside me], you told me you'd keep it forever because it was the coolest [not the sweetest] thing anyone had ever done for you -- cause i was the coolest girlfriend you've ever had.

you'd think a kid like you who can have it in himself to cry at night would be man enough to show his emotions, but you always were a coward. running away before the sun could rise; my eyes never got to open to your head next to mine. and you're still running, maybe watching me suffer puts a dull in your own pain? cause you always were selfish, always getting yours then taking off; but i remember brighter days, before it came to this when my pleasure was your goal in life. what ever happened to that? maybe i started to give too much and you got greedy, but noone will ever know because god forbid you let anyone in your head.

i told myself i'd never tear my skin open for anyone ever again, never expose that part of me that all the ones before took for granted; but i lied -- did you know you're my favorite mistake, my most beautiful scar.