Trapped and Shattered
[Mind]
Lost and splattered
[Against]
The pavement
[hard]
Just between love
&
Heart break
A thin line
[That's always crossed]
Broken
[Into Pieces]
Stolen
[From Sanity]
Raped
[Of Everything]
Examined
[like an experiment]
Played
[Like a toy]
Slaughtered
[left bloody on the floor]
Wandering
[with no place to go]
Shivering
[in tears]
Cold
[as your heart]
Closer
[to death]
Farther
[from light]
Into
[the flames]
Undieing
[like my heart]
Soul
[will dissapear]
Body
[will decay]
Heart
[will live on]
Forever
[in a jar]
Placed
[upon your shelf]
Swimming
[In formaldehyde]
Gasping
[In love]
Drowning
[In heartbreak]
Author notes
Written like nothing i've written before
In a list
A contest entry
- Is Dirty Pretty a Lost Cause? by Hell In Harmony.
6500 points, ended July 22, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thoughts?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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WoooHoo
im totally loving this style you got with the brackets in this
Forever
[in a jar]
Placed
[upon your shelf]
Swimming
[In formaldehyde]
Gasping
[In love]
Drowning
[In heartbreak]
the emotions in this one just cry out beautiful. this piece is a triumph
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^.^
You should write something with the same style. -nod nod-
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Thats a very interesting use of parentheses. I don't remember seeing anything quite like it before. I think I'm going to steal the idea. I can't say anything better than that.
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Haha
Thank you. I'm glad you like it. I can't wait to see you use the parentheses.
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Intense!! I love this write actually makes me stop breathing just imagining the pressure!!! I love the effect the Parrenthesis make....
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=]
Thank you.
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It was weird to define this because in so many senses it is like the old dirty pretty, but in many it is not.
A thin line
[That's always crossed]
I wish it wouldn't have been so fast paced, because
I don't feel like it had the right words for such a fast pace. Either way, good form and ideas! Not a bad poem. Thank you. Kat -
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Well,
Definitly glad you thought it was ok.
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GREAT
This reminds me of my poem 'All I Ask' very similar structure, yours is more exploratory and mine is more bold. I love this poem, Very little words that explain it all:
"
Wandering
[with no place to go]
Shivering
[in tears]
Cold
[as your heart]"
Wow...have I felt like that before. Simple words that you use is perfect, the most basic get the point across most effectively.
"
Broken
[Into Pieces]
Stolen
[From Sanity]
Raped
[Of Everything]"
The ultimate description of loss. Beautifully written and well put. I love this type of style; it's so upfront. Keep writing, this is a favourite of mine. 9.5/10!
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Hehehe
Ever so glad you liked it.
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I cant explain my opinion of this poem.It's.I dont know.Basically leaves me speechless.Very speechless.You are an amazing writer.
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Thank you ever so much. I'm honored to know you feel as such.
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You are very welcome.
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Omgosh I thought it was.. I dont even have a word for it. It's just so super awesome. This makes me think of some other piece of work not like its copied, like the theme kinda.
To me it's telling about whats her face but then it might not be it has many views that i can think of when trying to comprehend it.
My favorite part is..
"Forever
[in a jar]
Placed
[upon your shelf]
Swimming
[In formaldehyde]
Gasping
[In love]
Drowning
[In heartbreak]"
It seems to me that this is saying that a part of your heart will always be attached to this person.
~Melly.
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Hahaha. Thanks Melly, ily.
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Wow I must say that I just love this one. I guess it's because that I have dealt with heartbreak more then once. I know the feelings all to well. Thanks for sharing and keep up the work!
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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I loved how you serperated each bit of information from the rest. It was a very creative and new form of writing to me. <3 you
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Thank you
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