on the spine of the world
this body sleeps
my heart an enclosed sea
a beating bay
white and fair.
my silhouette
a beach
of
pale sand,
eyes a setting sun.
i am shaken by waves
of frozen hair
a melody
in natures language,
unfamiliar
and embracing.
foggy warmth
thaws my lungs.
watery lips
flirtatiously
force landscapes
into my hands
“see this earth through
a travelers eyes.”
i breath
heavily
the scent of
ice.
dancing in dreams,
grasping
all the wind
i can hold in this sail,
to release into song.
horizons read like
a line of poetry
pulling me into
their depths.
i touch all the countries
inviting them to swim,
practice for
future
sea storms.
then a pile of rocks
take me back
to solid
memory.
lakes are not so
much different
than your oceans,
they are home
to me.
and many other
minnesotan voyagers.
though as long
as the wind
blows the waves
i feel
at rest.
silent surfaces of hydrogen
hydrogen
oxygen,
flat blue palms
listening
for cursing sailors
or fisherboys.
who needs a sky
when we have the open
mouth
of seas,
entrances
to a moisturizing hell?
“consume me”
i whisper
revealing myself
to the rhythm
of night.
deep thrusts
closing my eyes
and kissing the body
of water
goodbye.
Author notes
i believe there are 81 lines of poetry.
#1 of 100
inspired by the baltic sea
PLEASE comment by critiquing.
peace to all ~flight
honesty
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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68
initial impact
15/20
there were very strong images, but they seemed a little disjointed. there were bits where i couldnt tell if you were the sea or part of it or by it. and the incorporation of the quoted bits really hurt. i got where it was going, but it took some piecing together. it couldve come across a little cleaner.
originality in incorporating prompt
29/40
i really enjoyed the "i am sea" element of it, however muddled it may have been at points (thats exaggerating. it was pretty well articulated. im just being critical). the main issue i had with it was that you dragged the sea with the piece at every step along the way. you used water in some for or shape in almost every single stanza. at a certain point it starts to feel like you are just re-articulating the same thing over again in as many different ways as possible.
structure enhances piece
10/20
out of the gates you had "of" on its own line for no practical reason. with the 81 lines and the goodbye, it seems that maybe you had 60 good lines of poetry in you that you needed to stretch to 80. there were only a couple of awkward line breaks, but a couple is a couple too many.
title
6/10
the title really adds to the ambiguousness of the content. if you wanted to stay simple, it really needed to articulate the direction of the piece.
staying power
8/10
there were a couple of aspects that didnt sit well with me, but it is a well-written piece. by no means am i walking away from it with the "blah" feeling you get with a lot of overused metaphors in the writing community.
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am i still allowed to participate in oltre??? i haven't been notified about any new prompts so i look at your columns...?
peace to all ~flight
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Loved your opening image, really strong and full.
I really like where you took this, its a look into self, a glimpse into this woman who sees beauty but doesn't always feel she is. At least that is where it took me.
There is quite a soft feel to this, really well written.
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Minnesota girl right here.
I'm doing my Baltic poem right now too. Pulling my hair out... 80 lines is tougher than I expected. -
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I love minnesota to death!
Yeah it wasn't easy, last time when he a similiar
contest I had to write a 200 line poem! Ridiculous I know.
But it was a good thing to attempt!
peace to all ~flight
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oops and i have a weird one...
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weird mind you mean?? Don't we all!
peace to all ~flight
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pretty. you have a beautiful mind
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aww, thank you
peace to all ~flight
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"i touch all the countries
inviting them to swim,
practice for
future
sea storms.
then a pile of rocks
take me back
to solid
memory.
lakes are not so
much different
than your oceans,
they are home
to me.
and many other
minnesotan voyagers." HOLLA
this was smooth, a little long, but smooth all the way through. not too long, though, i was just noting the lentgh. the giant spaces i felt weren't nessicary but you know.
eloquent, i'd call it.
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uggg, it had to be at least 80 lines, hence the length.
And yeah, give the minnesotans props!! Whooo
I'll have to try and find a way to break the lines up
in a way that works...that part of writing can be tuff!
Thank you
peace to all ~flight
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