I feel half alive
my mind blank.
spaceless
as if I have
erased myself.
heart, cluttered
fleeting drop
throbbing uneven.
trapped in cement
significantly far
detaching cables
as if I were
killing myself.
when I forget you.
please efface
things taking your place
My loving God.
Author notes
Its so easy to get stuck on ourselves. Everything that brings us pain takes the place of everything else and causes us to feel sorry for ourselves. I have found myself so preoccupied with this so many times, suddenly I realize this, and realize that I have distanced myself from God. No wonder I feel so incomplete.
A contest entry
- i smoke and i drink and every time i think i have a tiny dream by Confetti Fairy-x.
800 points, ended April 22, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I can so relate to your amazing write, my depression and past takes me away from the now too many times I have to sit back and focus on what is going on now and the beauty within. Thanks for sharing
Theresa
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9pts...
Thank you for this contribution to The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac
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I can relate to this and my own sometime selfish mountain of daily hokus-pokus taking me away too far from loving comfort.
I do agree with getting rid of the capitals as they seen distracting to a small poem, Well done -
This is an interesting poem... I think that the short lines work well in providing emphasis to the lines, however, I don't think that in a piece like this all the commas and such a necessary - just my opinion though
I really liked the separate line for the end it was beautifully done
Keep writing
Polly
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For the most part it works and you could that disconnect from life in your words.
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I think people forget religion in their everyday lives or that it is just for Sundays when it is every day. Every day we should try to do our best. As long as you have a good relationship with God and talk to him all the time, you will never lose him.
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Liked these thoughts and how you expressed them in these lines; think all the periods stop the flow of the piece. So many do not even use punctuation or capitals in their poetry at times. Have you ever tried writing like that? Do not think you need capitals at the beginning of each line - just when you start a new thought. Keep writing.
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Such a suiting title to the poem you have penned. Even makes me think of the need to bring myself closer to Him above. Blessed to have read this one!
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For the most part, your phrasing works very well in setting the painfully contemplative tone of your piece. There are a couple of stanzas, though, when the phrasing merely sounds abrupt and (for me) detracts from the overall message. It ends on a wonderfully hopeful note, a note of which I need to remember myself more often.
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It is so true, we all do this. I know that whenever I am not at peace and have unpleasent thougthts,I am out of balance and not connected to my God source.
Love this!
Love & Light
Debbera
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powerful
wow
i like the ending line
"My loving God" was definitely not expected.
the only thing I would have liked to see would be maybe less periods and commas and more of these:
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dashes, you know?
in english we're taught that the dashes show uncertainty, and I kind of got that feeling from a few lines, but then was thrown off by the . or , at the end.
and once again
I really like how this is about God, not a lover or a friend, because too often we forget that what really completes us is our faith.
great job!
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I agree about the last line, but it's your poem and your mindset. Enjoy the use of alliteration and slant rhyme and the imagery is creative. Best wishes in the contest!
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i liked it, apart from the last line. it made it too particular, i think the feeling you described is a lot more universal and for a lot more reasons than thinking you've "distanced" yourself from "god"
however, i did like the simple but creative use of language and structure, "Heart, cluttered.
Fleeting drop,
Throbbing uneven.
Trapped in cement."
thanks for this entry
love, Con x
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