I like you
I like you and I'm ready to explode
as birds fly into trees
and branches float above my roof
i'm waiting
i'm waiting for those words you say to me
every now and again which make me cry
like an autumn shower
i want you
i need you to blow my door down
so come on and break
my door down
it's a fragile door
it can't keep you out
i'm waiting
trees come out of the ground
power lines fall
an elderly woman is pushed onto the road
the wind blows harder than a frown
the ocean rips
caravans are pulled into the sea
as we make love near your piano
my heart burns on the camp fire
a sea anemone closes on my finger
the seal lies beached near driftwood
a river changes course
the waterfall stops falling
you say you don't want to be my mother
i say I want you as a lover
there's not enough money
there's not enough work
the heart pumps blood into the petrol tank
the sun sets in your eyes
my moon gets bigger
you can't handle it
when i'm depressed
because your suicidal mother
used to be depressed
before she died of cancer
the moon shines on our problems
and melts them into the grass
in our morning conversations
we walk around the lake
and watch ducklings swim beside their mother
the same lake that you saw in your dream
when your dead mother called for you
and you didn't know where to go
the same lake where i drowned my father
because he didn't like me as I would have liked him
to love me
because i hated him for not being the father
that his father couldn't be for him
we drank wine with lunch
and talked about how we couldn't connect
with our families
as the light faded from the day
and the wood we gathered earlier
lay wet beside the fireplace
the kookaburras laughed
and cockatoos screamed across the sky
as kangaroos hopped across our hopes
and reminded us of how hungry we were
yes, yes, yes
we push at the orgasm and the orgasm
pushes back
in times of desperation
a joke makes us break down
and our smiles lift the moon out of the night
love gives us a fright
and we say we like each other
just a little bit
like a little bit of mountain
a little bit of rock
a little part of the song
the lyre bird sings
as he dances on his mound
like a little bit of everything
that we have known
like a little bit of something
that we will be
3rd draft
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Too Long
A bit too long, and maybe it's me, but it did not make sense in some parts. Try shorter writes, and try to open with a bang, to grab the readers attention, but who am I to say what is good, and what is bad, it's all down to taste. Keep on going, Cheers Tws.. -
Too long.
Bad flow.
You use the same words over and over again.
Very unoriginal. -
hmmm...seems a bit disjointed to me. But very strong imagery.
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what a begining
I like you
I like you and I'm ready to explode
as birds fly into trees
and branches float above my roof
i'm waiting
i'm waiting for those words you say to me
every now and again which make me cry
like an autumn shower
loved your begining.it atracts raeders.I read it all through.It was allw onderful.thanks for sharing.Please visit my poetry and ofefrs ome comments.
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I'm feeling really bad that I clicked your poem and wasted the points that would have let someone else see it. I really enjoyed the read, but I REALLY wasn't expecting something so deep with such a simple name. The juxtaposition of ideas throughout the write was fabulous but unfortunately, I just had a night that isn't going to let me get very far with "deep thoughts." Again, I really really liked the poem, against my wishes to be caught up in something so much more than I meant to be. Keep up the good work and surprises.
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Excellent
Wow, a stupendous write, with which I can somewhat relate. You expressed yourself very well. Thanks for sharing this one.
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I absolutely love the imagery that you used in this. I choice of words that you selected lent to the overall beauty of it, from single words and phrases to entire stanzas. Excellent job.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~ -
Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. You've expressed yourself quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done. -
really enjoyable
I dont normally stay and read such a long peom. if i am not hooked by the first stanza.
but your poem kept me all the way through to the end,
very well written Ukelova from Australia I am very impressed
Rend The Veil
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amazing
i don't even really know what to say. i'm left speechless... amazing. love gypsyfish
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Wow its nice to see that you are dedicated to making this poem even better...though I loved the read. Beautiful imagery, held my attention all the way through (sorry short attention span - so believe me this is a compliment!) I just think it was just raw and i like raw and uniqueness. Thanx for sharing this. Great read!
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Beautiful beautiful images/similies you've added.
And for some reason, I really like the lines:
"you say you don't want to be my mother
i say I want you as a lover"
"the moon shines on our problems
and melts them into the grass
in our morning conversations"
^excellent.
"as the light faded from the day
and the wood we gathered earlier in the day
lay wet beside the fireplace"
the repetition of "day" here disrupts my enchantment with your work. perhaps it could be changed, or at least moved around so as not to be so obvious?
"the kookaburras laughed"
everything after that line is amazing. not only as individual pieces, but the way it fits together and builds.
Beautiful work. Thank you for sharing your talent with us
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day
Thanks for your wonderful comments. Especially pointing out the redudancy with the two days - that's the kind of critical response I would like to get more of here.
Have a gr8 day,
BJ.
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Very good so far. There are a lot of different ideas going on here... all the same it is full of raw emotion. I am very intrigued by the story you are painting and I can't wait to see the finished poem. I will be back to check on this one
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Thanks - I've trimmed and fixed it up a bit. I read it in the Open Section at a poetry reading and it went down well, so I was pleased about that.
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It was a good poem, but it doesn't fit my contest. sorry.
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comtest
NP.
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I really like this. Some really great parts.
I don't have the time for a proper comment right now, but if this is an early draft, I suppose I'll come back later and see if you've done anything to it.
But beautiful start, really. Great images, and build-up of emotion and the character's relationship. -
If this is only "like" better batten down the hatches, before the storm arrives... This actually has a lot of character, and some good imagery, but definately could be pared down a bit. The best thing is that you have it written down so you can sit with your emotions, and the words on the page, and tweak it, until you feel it's just right... and there are a number of those emotions goin on here to grappple with... You have won half the battle already, so well done!!!
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A nice lament containin some great lines interwoven throughout its various parts. If you post an edited version let me know I'd like to read it again. Happy trails.
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Hmm seemed a little bit cold to me. Maybe it's just me but it didn't really connect. I like lines 32-34; lines 35-39...I don't know. It jst seems kind of morbid to talk about the chemical inbalances and death(s) of the lovers' parents. Lines 66-69 are the beautiful part.
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in love indeed
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"I love you
I love you and I'm ready to explode
as birds fly into trees..."
You had me at the first stanza! I'm very picky when it comes to a love poem, but this one holds a power you feel as you read. You truly poured out heart with the imagery and expression.
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Very heartfelt and obviously a great deal of time and feeling was put into this. Your beginning came off intially as a bit cliche, but it worked, and I love your closure. If I were to offer critique the largest thing would be to try and trim it down a bit. It's great, but after a while you lost me a bit. I would try to make it more concise. Of course, this is just my opinion though. Other than that, a very well told story and your emotion is prevelant throughout it. Great write.
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Very well written, A lot of feelings are poured into this.
I loved it.
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great
this is really good, it really conveys they raw emotions that are very apparent.
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she loves you. how could she not.
i wouldn't change this. i would keep
it the way it is...a raw heart opened.
love, lane
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Changes
Thanks, but it's too late; I've already revised it a bit.
if it's going to be a good poem, it will go through many more edits.
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