In the fields of hatred, you fought a crushing battle
followed footprints of the fallen in surging battle.
Called by your conscience, the trait I used to love so much
that call would kill in this, your final battle.
Did you know that coffee does not taste the same anymore?
The dull brown almost matches ink in this writing battle.
How I wish that this could be mailed to your address…
Censors reading words spilled like stains would ease my battle.
Tanzanite dedicates the words, tear-filled shouts of rage
To the commanders and the oil barons: You won this battle …
Author notes
This is a poem written for the Poetic Challenge.
pic credit: http://dpoephoto.deviantart.com/art/Coffee-31062180
coffee: by dpoephoto
The form I chose was a ghazal. A Ghazal is a poem that is made up like an odd numbered chain of couplets, where each couplet is an independent poem. It should be natural to put a comma at the end of the first line. The Ghazal has a refrain of one to three words that repeat, and an inline rhyme that precedes the refrain.
Lines 1 and 2, then every second line, has this refrain and inline rhyme, and the last couplet should
refer to the authors pen-name... The rhyming scheme is AA bA cA dA eA etc.
I hope this was what you were looking for. My inspiration was the war in Iraq.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hi Tanzy :)
OK....let me start by saying......loved the form....not too crazy about your second couplet ~
So....with that said.....I think you are farrrr a greater writer than what you have presented to us this Round ~
OK....with that said, there is something special about your thoughts on the prompt......almost cliche', but at the same time, moving and stained with tenderness and calmness, even though there is a raging war going on ~
Your last couplet managed to bring the Power back at the last moment, but I would have thought maybe you would have torn through these thoughts of your with a little more.....vigor ~
I have no doubt, this is going to be your weakest Round, because I know how you enjoy the Challenge of being best.....but Tanz, you're going to have to brighten my day a little better than this to make my jaw drop ~
I know, I know, you said you were concentrating more on the form, and left your Power on the bookshelf....but there is a balance of Power and Story that has to go hand-in-hand, if you desire to pen us *the bomb* with lasting impression, making us go....wow!
I agree with Tattboyspet....the word *battle* did ring true all the way through your write.....but if you are going to have a battle, then I want to see it in your emotion....your focus....your insight to your Theme you chose.....and in your poem ~
I have told you this time again....DON'T HOLD BACK!!!.....give us your best EVERY Round.....and show off!!!!
You have the talent to do all of the above.....so don't wait until Round 2 or 3, or 4 to show it......because with a score like 92 and my score, which will be sent to Melanie, you may not make it to Round 2 ~
Over-all....lovely presentation on Form....strong Theme.....terrific Flow, except for couplet #2......and a painted vision with lots of Imagery to make this a lasting write to remember.....but barely ~
The best to you and your entry my dear,
Bear ~
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You have penned a stunning piece. This is an incredibly difficult form by the looks of it. When looking at the site this one confused me far to much..lol. The one I did do gave me a migraine. But this is superbly written. Much luck in the challenge
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Some people are that idiotic that they actually believe that war can bring about peace ... sad isn't it?
have to tell you - the repetition of the word 'battle' definitely had an impact and it worked well with this one
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tanz... This honestly is a difficult form to pull off. I do not think that it was one of your strongest ones... not because of your form, but moreso your wording. I have seen some of your work, and know that your wording is a great deal larger than this particular poem. Now, as for your take upon the picture... I adored it. This war can strike the emotions of many... of any really that have a heart/ Well done. I imagined a wife or mother sitting and penning for theor undying love. Well done. Nicely chosen take!!! I feel if you would have added a bit more spice to your wording, you would have swept the votes this week. In your favor, this is one HARD form to pull off with great success, but you really shook me by selecting something to challenge yourself. You know we love that!!
You will do well in this challenge, for this I know. Good luck! I wish you the best in all you do this season!!!
Your score from me: 92
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Well thank you so much. I absolutely agree that I could have given it more power, but I concentrated so hard on succeeding with the form, that the power kinda went on vacation. I was happy to play with this form though and will continue to do so. It is hard, but it was fun. Thank you for your wonderful comment though. I am looking forward to the challenge and I know that once again I will be able to stretch my wings here.
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I tried a ghazal, but I could not find two sources that agreed on its construction... the killer is having no couplets related- that just reminded me of someone trying too hard to wax mysteriously philosophical, as they must have had a need to do back in the 10th century...! I believe they were meant to be heard... especially with the inline rhyme...
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It is a very difficult structure, but I fell in love with it after reading Hafiz. I broke this up into couplets to see if the couplets actually could stand on their own and it took me quite long to do so. You are right though, the structure is one that many disagree on. I still don't think I did it perfectly. Well, we try and this challenge helps to further skills in my opinion. I will be along shortly to visit your superb effort (yes I have read it ...)
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wow! while checking out the forms, i was wondering how could one use this form. trust me you put across a beautiful example of writing a ghazal poem!absolutely wow! beautiful poem and great inspiration combined with the prompt given. too good!
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Thank you so much. It was harder than I imagined it would be, but fun as well. Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it.
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