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Of Endless Succession


Winter weaves
    a crystal web,
each jewel a harsh laugh...

    an attack on youthful
      spring.


Fresh shoots,
    and infant blossoms
    (pastel-colored by the sun)
are cursed...
      delicately coated by
      ashen twinkles

  of frost.



Tenderly,
the sun brushes
    branches; each leaf and petal
gently kissed--

    a plea to return
    from deathly slumber...


and when the ants wake,
they perch on grass-towers
  and watch as the sun

makes the whole world sparkle.







Author notes

object: grass
color: white/glitter...whatever color frost is
word count: 69
"i" is used: 6 times
username: catauthor


Criticism, please!

Lots of thanks to Tyler, Helen, and Heather!



Ok, I think I only used "i" 6 times...but now it feels like one of those email forwards where you have to count the number of times a word is used or whatever, so let me know if you see more "i"s hidden in this.
(By the way: MUCH more challenging than I thought it would be. Poor Asfand!)

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Tangled Angle
    April 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I would be knit picking if I found any criticism. I did feel however this lacked emotion - enough emotion to really move me. However...Overall, well done.


  • Asfand
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love the images this evokes. this is beautiful work. i love the incorporation of the grass and spring entwined together. and i love that this is not only imagery, but gentle feeling as well. gives the ingenius touch your poems always have.

    loved it!


  • And Hyetal
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really love the way you wrote this, the way you put Spring into every line. I honestly don't know what to say. This is beautiful and wonderful, and I'm not properly credited to give critism to beautiful and wonderful.

    oooh, looks like Cassie's gonna be eliminated this round. Which is okay by me because you and Ah.Sosha. and Asfand so deserve to be here.

    awesome!!!

    ~Cassie


    • Catauthor
      April 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      nonononononono! You can't go yet, Cassie! I don't think you're going to be eliminated!

      Thanks for the nice words (it's not that wonderful ).

      Good luck!

      (You're so not leaving.)

      • And Hyetal
        April 7, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Well, neither are you or Ah.Sosha. or Asfand! So someone has to go.


        • Catauthor
          April 7, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          I think...Tyler! Sorry, Tyler, you've been voted out of Teen Idol.

          Sosha, Cassie, Asfand and me all tie for gold! Yippee!


          • Tangled Angle
            April 9, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            LOL!

            Dammit.

            What the hell is this bullshit? Are you kidding me? i deserved to win more than anyone else!
            This is worst, most biased contest ever!





          • And Hyetal
            April 8, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            xD

            Omg, you have me dying here.

            Do you seriously think Tyler could get put out?

1 - 8 of 8