a murder of crows
darken the morning sky.
black death, creeping like plague,
recalls that lostgirl -
all snuffedout innocence and
bruised.
persistent ringing bells
clamouring for attention
This is a stiff wind, chill
and grown gracelessly old,
a bitterful remorse.
Mort
darkling
indifferent
wistful ghostling
lingers by the fire,
breathes misty on the windowpane
re collects old frag
ments of mildewed memories
silvered with age
and gorges on the pain.
emotions flicker
across a longdead
fixed grin.
A contest entry
- Damaged and broken by zochit2me.
900 points, ended May 3, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I liked this a lot. There were some parts where you stuck words together, or broke them up that bothered me though. Some I like, they made sense with the specific word (like frag-ments, that worked) but others were a bit... off. 'Re collects' was one and 'snuffedout' was another, though snuffed-out would work if you wanted to keep the words linked.
Other than that, great poems. It had a lovely mood, dark and brooding and grey and cold. Very well executed. -
As a whole, this poem is very well written and has a cool, dark feel to it that is created by rich use of language and poetic technique. The only small bit I didn't really like, because it interfeared with the fluidity of reading and didn't lend much purpose to the piece as a whole was this:
cccccccccccccccccccccccccchill
The word "chill" is just as effective, I think, without all the additional c's. If more emphisis is needed for the word chill, perhaps a creative contrast needs to be drawn there instead.
Just a thought.
S and best wishes always... ~Genie~
-
-
thank you - I have changed this now... do you think it works well as it is now? thanks again for your input.
-
-
Yes I do think that it works well now.
I've seen the technique of joining (and disconnecting) words one against another before but you certainly have a knack for it using it creatively that many do not
It seems to me, that you put a great deal of thought and consideration into the both the words and placement of the words so that they can maximize effect.
A disconnection used to stutter the reader:
re collects old frag
ments of mildewed memories
(excellent useage of technique, as if finding memories one syllable at a time)
A joining used to merge a greater though and bring the before and after together more easily and with less wordiness:
black death, creeping like plague,
recalls that lostgirl -
all snuffedout innocence and
bruised.
Excellent job
Thanks so much for asking my opinions.s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
-
-
-
This poem was very good. It was slightly confusing, but that just added to the effect, for me. I really loved how you wrote this. The imagery here was absolutely breathtaking. This stanza was my favorite:
a murder of crows
darken the morning sky.
black death, creeping like plague,
recalls that lostgirl -
all snuffedout innocence and
bruised.
I wish you best of luck in the contest, because you truly deserve it with such an amazing poem you have written.
-RoseDaughter- -
This is captivating- and a real enjoyable read. It reminded me of the movies 'Titus' based off of the play 'Titus Andronicus' by Shakespeare. There is a scene that could be perfectly described by your lines
"darken the morning sky.
black death, creeping like plague,
recalls that lostgirl -
all snuffedout innocence and
bruised."
You have the most brilliant imagery of any writer I've seen here on AP, hands down. The one and only thing I didn't like about this was the "cccccccccccccccccccccccccchill" - It was to different from the surrounding lines. Maybe you did this exaclty to emphasize the cold weather, but I think it's a bit too much.
otherwise, this poem is completely stable and beautiful in its complexity and entirety. cheers.
-
I really like this...
It goes a little beyond the prompt and digs in to what's beneath. I am a bit confused about the word (fragments) being split into two words at the end ???? but other wise a very strong write.
Becky
-
(was the "m" meant to be left out of "frag/ments" in the last stanza?
otherwise, I love this poem. Great use of space and spacing, and the extra letters on "chill" is great. I'm not sure about the "e"'s on fire, but I make no judgement there, really.
Thank you for sharing.
-
-
I have changed the eeee= on fire - your right it is a bit pointless!
And I can't belive I didn't notice the m!! oops! thanks again!
I'll have to come over and have a read of yours!
xxx
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
