Ruby wings flaunted in the pristine sunlight
fluttering slowly, as if you know their beauty
you settle your slender body
next to my callow cocoon
layers of birth, all crystalline
under my newly awakened perception
your alluring delicacy; deeply inset with coal
scarlet redness, deepening in bloodied conceit
blurred visions of your bold being
I slowly crack the barrier; between -
blanched garnet isolation
from that of; actual judgment
broken away, by my fragile fingers
falling, to rest upon the oaken ground beneath
our feet.
-------
Author notes
I continued this one in:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4096977
"Tangerine Wings"
~Enjoy!
In a list
A contest entry
- Allpoetry Survivor! by broken-colours.
600 points, ended May 2, 2008, 49 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-writes- Please read requirements. by StormGoddess.
450 points, ended April 22, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - When Life Gives You Lemons....(Round 1) by Jfd.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire Me by csflut.
850 points, ended May 31, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be honest here.
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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i am poor...
deserves 5 -
Like the new morning this poem comes over me,
So beautiful is this work....
............awakened perception.....exquisite!
It ends like a lingering melody that you want to revisit.
Your comments on my work bring me such joy lassie,
bless your gypsy poets heart.
BEAUTIFULLY DONE,
WITH EVERYONE I READ,
YOU RAISE THE BAR.
LOWELL POE. -
Good imagery and flow, beautifully write.
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Well done! Awesome imagery. Awesome emotion. Great poetry.
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damn this poem is beautifully written, and the imagery was outstanding. i could visualize every piece of your art. great write!
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very beautiful and vivid imagery throughout this piece, I particularly liked the ending. Well done.
Rory -
wow
This is a brilliant write and...Wow! That sums up all I could say! This is a master piece and I am just stunned how you like my work...mine is nothing compaired to this! I enjoy your writing and you are very talented!!
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this is eloquently written...it flowed beautifully and really allows the reader to be engrossed by your words....I felt as though this had a sexual undertone to it.... yet it was graceful....very nice write....thank you for taking the time to enter.
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I love the rhythm and flow of this write. Imagery is excellent also. Well done, poet.
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hmmm, i really like "oaken ground" a lot. that really sticks in my head. excellent write.
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What a gorgeous poem. I am thoroughly impressed - I don't know if I could ever reach to a poetic height such as this. Flows beautifully, words are wonderfully vivid.. absolutely nothing I didn't like. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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This is very beautiful and written in such an elegant way. I mean I really think this poem is amazing. I don't know really what else to say but that I love it!
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I really liked your wording with this piece, the very end was my favourite. I liked the imagery at the beginning as well, a butterfly, already flourishing helping another out of its cocoon- a very powerful scene. Very good,
KP -
Soooooo lovely!
My senses merged while 'seeing' everything. I could smell and taste some of them. Well expressed in a rather impressive vocabulary.
I love how you one-worded the last line. Very conclusive to a natural occurance.
"layers of birth, all crystalline"<------ what a great image! Alliteration worthy as well!
Observation:
this flies. I wouldn't use the commas unless very necessary.... let goooooooo....lol
"from that [of;] actual judgment - oopsie typo?
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Man! this is truly rare...
You are a shooting star across my poetic sky.
I see a young person who really has the ability to make a mark in poetry...I hate to be snob, but the comments below are to pedestrian for this piece...not that i can articulate how this poem effected me any better...but i wanted to convey to you not to think just everyone can write a piece like this. I guess im trying to say...dont take it for granted...it will be your friend for the rest of your life.
Do not touch this one lassie.....
Your Perception is pristine....lol
MANY BLESSINGS GYPSY,
LOWELL POE
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beautiful
i love the imagery and the fragility of itasll.
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Lovely and vibrant images, full of the red feelings needed to complete the transformation from the cocoon. The words impart soulfulness and awareness of new perceptions. Strong and yet tender, too.
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a very lovely write,so full of imigery you feel as though you could reach out a hand.....
thank you for sharing this with us and good luck in the contest
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intriguing. highly visual. love the way it ends - how each couplet leads to that solitary final single line.
lovely.
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i really loved the imagery in this poem! very lovely. thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! NineTailedFox
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Great write, excellent imagery, Isn't know in first stanza supposed to be knew. I am not sure, just seems that way though, maybe I'm wrong lol. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for commenting.
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It is good! I'm going back and forth interpreting this in two different ways, regardless the imagery was fantastic! It made me happy reading this!
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I like it a lot. The imagery is very strong in my opinion. However, it is a bit rough sounding, and could perhaps use some good editing on the part already written, and I hope that the rest reflects the great parts in the first parts of it
Alex -
I like it a lot so far, can't really imagine it any better
. It does seem a little short though, but at the same time full of mesmerizing detail. ^-^
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
A+wesome
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I agree, beautiful! I love these phrases:
"Ruby wings flaunted in the pristine sunlight
fluttering slowly, as if you know their beauty"
"layers of birth, all crystalline
under my newly awakened perception"
Nice write!!
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Beautiful! Only suggestion I would make is to only use the word slender once.
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oooh this is brilliant! i love the descriptions, the words, the way it all fits together...as it is, its great, let me know if u change anything tho!
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I love it as it is.... I don't think it needs adding to... your use of metaphores is very good and I love the analogy of the metamorphisis. Not sure why theres line break at the end it kind of disrupts the otherwise flawless flow of the piece. You have a lot of tallent maturity for someone so young.
Adding your comment:
1 - 28 of 28
