in the endless battle of sun and moon,
you are a star...
innocent spectator in constellations,
watching every planet in their orbit;
moon takes you to every dance across the sky...
abandoning sun, the rebel star
fated never to be wished upon
[morning's sad servant]
but you drag your tail of dream dust,
whispering desires of sweet sunrise;
running across the milky way
and daring to paddle against the flow...
I will catch you with little girl imagination,
running towards night with a butterfly net;
you'll teach me your secrets,
substitute yourself
on those rainy days
of cloud cover.
another romeo and juliet drama
in the houses of day and night...
luckily it takes a billion years for stars to die.
~~~
Author notes
rockerchkpoet
critical comments please.
did you like the title?
what should i change?
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 10 (Top 4) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended April 14, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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"I will catch you with little girl imagination"
i like the I will catch you part, but i think you could have come up with something stronger than "little girl imagination" - just kind of cheesy for me and not really believable. I think a stronger idea, perhaps an image would have been able to represent more passion.
"another romeo and juliet drama"
i would have liked this so much more without that allusion. Allusions are great, but the cliche ones...well, they just degrade the poem.
It kind of makes me mad though because this was really good, but those two spots just really didn't convince me. It is really important to take out those cliche spots...and it really bugs me that out of all the people that commented, no one was totally honest with you. However, I'm not blaming them-- but even so...I know at least one person down there would agree with me on this.
Anyway, that part was majorly cliche for me.
With those two spots pushed aside, you really did have an excellent poem. Very precise and intentional - just have to catch those weak spots. It has to be consistently strong the entire way.
I sound gruff in this comment - and I hope I do, because don't write stuff like those cliche phrases in season eight because there are some stellar poets in that contest, and it's going to be a lot harder than this season.
Focusing on this season though, this is very good.
No matter what I criticized...this is good. Just know that.
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'and it really bugs me that out of all the people that commented, no one was totally honest with you.'
My favorites are...umm... too nice.
And Ryan and Chelsea and Namita (all on my faves) are too lazy.
Thanks, Tyler, I totally understand what you mean. This was actually one of my favorites that I had written for this contest... but for some reason I knew something was wrong with it. Guess the only person who could catch it was you yourself...when it was too late.
Now you make me scared with Season 8. Cacti and crayons...urg.
Thank you so much.
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wow, some hefty images there. beautiful work as usual. i think it lacks the emanating feeling as your schrede me poem, but this suppose to be about image so i still love it.
some lines and metaphors were spectacular!
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"but you drag your tail of dream dust,
whispering desires of sweet sunrise;
running across the milky way
and daring to paddle against the flow...
I will catch you with little girl imagination,
running towards night with a butterfly net;
you'll teach me your secrets,
substitute yourself
on those rainy days
of cloud cover."
I needed to quote all this - because they are excellent lines! Wow - what an amazing & creative young writer you are!!
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ok,
Cassie
i put a WHOLE lot more for my comment, and now I can't remember exactly what I wrote, forgive me, it's my computer... -
Metaphors!
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Why must this be called "simple" to me. It is the kind of poetry I like. Yes, it uses simple english, but has lots of thoughts, sentiments and compassion behind it
I really liked the metaphor here. Well done and good luck.
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Thankies, Ryan, you're the best.
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