For an eternity the pounding of my heart
- the quickening of my breath
came hand in hand
with a pain so deep
I didn't think I could survive.
I thought, 'what use is love?'
'what can it achieve?'
Love meant a hole so deep
- an infinite ache
- a loneliness so encompassing
I was sure I would die.
Then came a moment,
a moment of pure chance -
I met her in a dream once,
never thinking she was real -
but she held my eyes then smiled
and, in that first second, I knew joy.
Love means the expanding of my heart
whenever she crosses my mind.
The quiet time when passions are spent
- I lay in her arms
playing my fingers across her stomach
and watching her tremble.
Love means quiet mornings spent in bed
sharing slow kisses, lazy touches
- aware, eventually, we need to move
but unworried as we know
we have a lifetime and more together.
Love means everything.
A contest entry
- Love? by Rashae.
600 points, ended April 10, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments, please
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I liked this, definitely, but all I would do is maybe drop the formatting, like the indentions. It seemed to distract me from the words a bit. Another tool to use for prompts this abstract is to use a more cryptic style when we're addressing diction. "quite" in line 24 might need to be "quiet."
Line 17, "and, in that first second, I knew joy," was probably my favorite part, since I'm big into word play and putting first and second next to each other really grabs my attention. In general, what I can gather about your style just form this poem is that you get hung up on sequentialism and might want to spend more time conceptualizing what your poems mean.
Still good.
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Thank you for your comments and suggestions, especially pointing out my typo of quiet - can't believe I let one of my pet hates snare me! I think that, along with the miss use of your instead of you're, are the two thing that make me want to scream most!
The formatting was put in as an afterthought - I wanted the two lines "I met her in a dream once,/never thinking she was real -" to be indented as they seem separate from the rest of the poem, but I think I got a bit carried away!
Again, thank you for commenting and I apologise for the length of my rambling reply!
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i enjoyed the rhythm/style of this piece. cute
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Thank you for entering
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I liked this, a lot!! The subject seems to have been played out a thousand times over but this as fresh and appaealling like love itself. In Addition, I enjoyed the philosophical nature.
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