Tears as cold as ice,
they roll off of my face and hit the wooden floor,
with each drop the floor gets weter and colder,
the color goes from a dark brown to a somewat light blue,
the floor has seemed to freeze to ice from all of my tears,
i stood up with amazement and walked to the bathroom,
turning on the sink i burst out into more tears,
as they hit the water coming out of the faucet,
the water seemed to freeze right before my eyes also,
i could not believe what i could do,
with just my tears i could turn anything i wanted to to ice,
so with joy i went arond my house sobing over everything i could,
after about an hour everything that was owned to me was frozen solid,
i was so happy and so amazed for about ten minutes,
but then it struck me like lightning,
it was summer and i just turned everyrhing that i owned to ice,
as my house and its belongings sat and melted in front of me,
i guess next time i learn i can do something like this,
i should think before i turn my house to a giant puddle of water.
A contest entry
- Damaged and broken by zochit2me.
900 points, ended May 3, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think. please tell truth if it sucks, then it sucks
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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aw....this is a beatiful write and i can see what you wrote so clearly in my head....it's kinda scary...but two thumbs up!!!!
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You have a good idea, and there's good imagery here.
However, you should definitely look over it for a few things like...
capaitalization,
line spacing,
and words/phrases that are awkward
spelling
Just a suggestion, on the third line "wetter and colder" is a little awkward. You could make it more wet and more cold or something like that, and it might have more effect. -
this was not really bad, but it could use some help and a bit looking over.. Some places just don't fit.. And the imagery is a little blurry.. I would just tell you to read this one over again and maybe read another poem on ice, don't take from the poem but in a way make a base out of it.. See how they started it and made it emotional and fit for them.. Then tey and see if you can do the same thing with this.. I mean it could turn out to be a really good piece, it just needs a really good base..But your on the right path..
Peace to you,
Jetleena
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It will be removed if not edited and made to fit the requirements of the contest.
Sorry -
Please...
I ask for quality and if you want to know what I want, go to my favorites list or read something of mine...no comment necessary.
Becky
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