once, a mother wept,
cradling all that remained
of you—
scarlet pin of a catholic uniform
and folded notes of youthful importance,
of aiden hayes who reeks of dirt,
and kayleigh’s sister who meets dark men
in cardiff bay.
once, a father turned
the sheets of your cold bed,
frequented only by cats that curl
like crescent moons, eclipsing stains
of still-warm blood. and he wept
into clothes that smell of your silence.
still a brother haunts
the grove where they hid you,
where they’d strewn your pyrrhic bones
among the elements. and he mourns you,
a colossus in the vestal garment
of schoolgirls.
Author notes
i don't know if it's done, and i hate the ending. i'll get back to it. critique this! please?! at least let me know what you liked/didn't like.
j'ai 18 ans.
In a list
A contest entry
- TEENAGERS - We're not all thick, yeah? #2 by LaurenLightning--x.
730 points, ended May 7, 44 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
450 points, ended July 16, 37 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
still raw. critique this.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I am not sure the 'of you' is needed (in stanza one) I almost feel as if it is already implied.
I think stanza two has an abundance of images again, maybe taking a couple of and let it speak more softly and clearly.
I don't like the 'where' in stanza three, line three just don't feel its needed.
And you are right, the ending doesn't fit as well with the rest, I didn't really like the 'vestal garment' but I do love 'pyrrhic bones'.
Hope this helps -
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you always help
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Well, i liked the ending.
I thought it was a nice little touch to end it off.
I find half my poems (random prose-like writings)
ending with "..." as though i really don't know what i want to say, so just be glad you don't have to resort to that!
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oh how sad the visions in my head how heartbreakin
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This one made me choke up a little. Everything about it was beautiful, and I loved how it told a little story. Unlike a lot of poems/poets, you let us get inside the character's heads just a little bit. It helps to really understand and get into the poem. This was my favorite bit:
"once, a father turned
the sheets of your cold bed,
frequented only by cats that curl
like crescent moons, eclipsing stains
of still-warm blood. and he wept
into clothes that smell of your silence."
I should have just said the second stanza. Oh well.
Jeanette*~
P.S. Bookmarked!
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This is wonderful, and I really like the ending. The juxtaposition makes for a really solid finishing thought, in my opinion. Wonderful imagery, very powerful.
. Rewarded 4
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I like this. The way you speak of this person's mother and father mourning his absence is very compelling and touching. I think this gives the poem a lot of strength. I love it how you've picked up so many details in the first stanza, that makes it sound so realistic because it's so descriptive and also because when we lose dear people, it's really small things that remind us of them and make us nostalgic. On the other hand, in the first stanza (lines 4-6 actually) there seems to be a lot of "of"s which somewhat disrupt the flow. In the second stanza, I particularly love the "cats that curl
like crescent moons," - very creative image, plus the fact that even the cats curl so much emphasizes the part about the bed being cold, the horror and sadness, the absence. "the smell of your silence" is a lovely alliteration, plus a very vivid image... so significant and, I must say, I love synesthesia, especially when done so naturally. It's like showing how his absence is so very tangible, accessible to all senses to make things more painful. I like the final stanza and its ending too - the "pyrrhic bones" bit is suggestive and beautiful, though extremely sad. A very nice poem overall.
. Rewarded 8
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Noted about the "of" repetition, but I still need to find a natural way of rewriting it... still working on this
Thanks for the kind comment! It means a lot from a gifted poet like you.
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I like your writing! It's filled with great wording and vivid images, and leaves an impact on the reader - well done!
For some reason, I'm not sure I like the word 'colossus' in the next to last line, although I like the rest of that wording, but 'colossus' seems to throw if off for me - but that's just my personal thought.
Great write and best wishes in your contest.
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This is a haunting poem with some great immagery I especially love the second stanza. The ending is good I don't know why you want to change it... I can't see anything that stands out as needing change.
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On reading this poem ...
I recalled how ancient youngsters are and how young they die nowadays.
Love
Myra
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Stunning poem!
I actually think the final verse is wonderful, brings it to a powerful close. This is a gorgeous poem, filled with excellent imagery throughout. I like the dark undertones woven within your words. The only critique I would have is solely a pet peeve
and that's the repetition of words. In this case the word 'of' in the 1st verse. But like I say it is just a personal quirk I have..lol. A superbly penned piece, good luck in your contest 
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Oh, thank you so much for that! I'll take another look at the first stanza and see what I can fix with the "of" repetition. It wasn't intentional. Thanks ever so much for leaving a critical comment!
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The ending is haunting. Good work.
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i think it is absolutely fantastic. it made me squeal at how much we think alike, how similar our vocabulary is, and just how complete genius this write is. Oh and you've used some of my favorite words for poetry... vestal... strewn... scarlet... eclipsing...
you must know your mind is beautiful
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