girl ;
your gravity is [murderous]
that smile sends a thousand
pins and needles
crashing into me,
that siren's song pulls me under,
and you don't even know...
you're blissfully oblivious to the
[power]
you have over me ;
so instead I'll stand quietly,
leaning on one elbow,
chin in my hand,
hoping it doesn't show in my eyes.
hoping it doesn't show in my eyes how much I love
that beautiful curve and flick of the wrist,
how much I love
the impatient brush of your hair out of your eyes;
and that laugh that wrinkles your nose touches my foolish heart...
Author notes
You & Me - Lifehouse.
Thanks to Wolfgirl Blues.
Last line from 'The Way You look Tonight' by Frank Sinatra.
A contest entry
- Let out our love or hate. by aj.vamp.
390 points, ended April 25, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - tears, fears, and everything inbetween by nobodys-girl.
700 points, ended May 4, 2008, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prompt Contest (A-B) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended July 18, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - That was you? Omg I'm sorry ( For Everyone :] ) by RawrSmileBabyPlz.
450 points, ended June 24, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites [Love Poems] Enter now! by perfectsunset.
475 points, ended August 17, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Clarity, Shiny, Lifehouse, and Champagne? by shadowlyn infinitas.
700 points, ended December 11, 2008, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feedback?
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
-
There's something about the sort of 'ordinary' scene that you've portrayed here that I really like. It's a quieter type of love and passion. The appreciation of the little things in the last two stanzas is fantastic. Thanks for sharing such a lovely work and best wishes
-
Oh, I noticed you already entered this in one of my previous contests.. I asked that no one enter what they've already entered before. Sorry but I am going to have to DQ this.. it is a beautiful poem don't get me wrong, but in all fair judgement and rules I made in this contest.
You are more than welcome to add in another poem I'd be glad to read it!
Sorry
-
Aww this was so beautiful.
Love the emotion of love embraced with your words.
So full of emotion and meaning. Genuine feelings expressed wonderfully.
Thanks for entering & best of luck
-
I feel like you captured this prompt well. I amend you for that. It definitely is in this poem. I love how you described just one moment, you got into the detail of watching her. I love that a poem is dedicated to this. I'm just as guilty as everyone else as just SAYING i watch your every move, but this... this is what it's like. This is something I think everyone can relate to.
I like your style of writing. It's intriguing, to say the least, and I like that you put brackets around murderous and power, two very negative things. It gives the love a bit of a foreboden feel to it. A sort of... don't go there. Your descriptions are tight, and interesting.
I love the line "That siren's song pulls me under." It really stood out. It showed an inability to look away, and the metaphor was strong and creative.
Also, the description of the wrinkling nose. I feel like I know the girl, and am in love with her just as much.
Good job, and thank you. I can't wait to see more poetry by you.
-Jen -
Wow this is very good. very well written i like it alot. Thanks for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck.
..<3..
Shelly
For You
-
ahh, you were in my last contest
perhaps there is a clue in that....now I understand...faretheewell regardless~~~Artis -
i love this. its just so beautiful. the simpleness love can be...well thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
-
This is absolutely beautiful. I love the wording and how you've conveyed this idea. I've been here before, there's someone so special to you but they don't even know what they mean to you. You've conveyed this idea very well, I enjoyed reading this. Wonderful.
-
removed without cause.
-
This is beautiful writing. An amazing description.
-
ahaha seems u got a few fans! ahaha well i love it! and you dont need me 2 tell you what you already know...but i'll say it anyways because hell it increases your ego
YOU'RE AWESOME!!
-
-
increase my ego? oh, bitch, please.
-
-
you're right....its too high already i love you!
-
-
-
girl your [poem]
is awesome! -
-
well thank you =]
-
-
girl ;
your gravity is [murderous]
that smile sends a thousand
pins and needles
crashing into me,
it's the best part to me was" -
Wow! You have a beautiful way of capturing a moment... a wonderful declaration of love. Well done!
-
this is beautiful. thanks for sharing. i'm actually having a very bad day and this made me smile. thanks again.
-
this is amazing.
i really love the beginning.
-
amazing!
-
-
Thanks hon..it's about Tonni, can you tell? =P
-
-
thought so
-
-
-
aw ... that's some good poetry! Well done!
-
-
thank you! ♥
-
-
i like it so far, babe. It's gritty and has a really nice feel.
(if that made any sense!)
keep going! I love it
-
-
thank you very much sweetheart. =]
-
-
im likin it
it really does describe pool
-
-
It does?
-
-
This is fantastic. It's short, and not overly wordy, but the first two lines just knock it out of the park.
"girl ;
your gravity is [murderous]"
I swear, that's the most powerful imagery I've seen in awhile. I love that line. It crushes, and just leaves behind dust. Excellent job.
-
-
I'm trying to lengthen it, any suggestions?
-
-
You could possibly describe how she looks while playing it? The concentration, the missed shots, the laughter...like we were talking about earlier. Especially the laughter, how it makes you feel. I would still try to keep the pool references as vague as possible. That way you'll leave the title as the only real reference to pool, and the poem will be entirely about your lovely girl.
-
-
good idea, thank you =]
-
-
-
Thank you... jeez. no way to torture yourself more than watching the girl you love play pool... hence the title.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 33 of 33
