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Mind Over Matter

Although disabled parking
affords less strides to entrance,
the shameless stares at legs
seem to be the pace preferred.

I have in my possession, however,
a force with which to reckon.
Ability to be shorter with left,
and then taller with right switch.

So then this affords glimpses
of all human weaknesses.

More authentic than mail-order

X-ray glasses received as a child.

Like this debonair fellow,
smudged ketchup on the chin,
parched landing-strip on his crown.
He's not more than 40!

The smirking ladies in hall
have no insight to my strength
of scanning undergarment lines.
To them, just an old cripple staring.

The doctors call frequently,
claiming technological improvements.
Apparently fittings from titanium
are being mass produced.

But I love the fresh freedom
of running against the crowd.
I have a super power.
A secret super power.

Author notes

POW contest

Theme: a take on having a severe limp

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • trista gold member
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Ryan,

    It’s good to see you in the POW again, and with such an amazing theme. The subject of “disabilities” isn’t new, but seldom have I seen a personal physical challenge embraced as you seem to have embraced yours. Not only does that qualify as original in my book, it is a great inspiration to those who will read and take this to heart.

    There is very little I don’t love about this write. Keep an eye on “filler” words, would be by best suggestion, and make every word earn its place within your poem. Is the word “however” in L5 necessary? How about the word “and” in L8 ? “So then” in L9? (especially since you use “then” right before that, in L8? ) You’ll need to watch your flow as well, once (or if) you start cutting words, but generally your flow will only improve.

    How about a comma after “mail-order” ? And maybe one after “secret” in your last line? These serve to separate your adjectives, and would slow the reading down just a tad bit.

    I’m a little torn on your last line. I want to see impact and a big “aha!” moment there, more than anywhere else in your poem. I’m not sure if the repetition does that for me, although it does put emphasis on the thought.

    All in all, you have another wonderful write here. It’s balanced well with imagery and thought, and really delivers a great message. Thanks so much for entering it in the POW, and good luck to you.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • NeonRose
    April 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful, just grand. I have read it three times now, and keep finding another little thing to dwell on. I am adding you to my favorites. Good luck in the contest.


  • Arkbear gold member
    April 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Ryan :)

    As Joy has mentioned....brilliant work on your part again this week!

     

    You see more than some Poets.....and to bring creative Themes to the PO' contests is 90% of the challenge here.....and you always meet it head-on....apply it directly to the forehead!

     ......hehe ~

     

    Seriously.....not too much for me to critique here buddy.......stanzas 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 are the bomb!

     

    I had to read this to my Partner as well....He loved it :)

     

    But....do your Readers love it?

     

    Do your Judges love it?

     

    Well, this one does!

     

    I'm only slightly confused at Joys score for your write, but hey, that's up to her, and she has the right to score it as she sees fit ~

     

    I, personally, think this is in the top 3 entries.....IMO ~

     

    I can not critique as well as Julie is going to on grammatical and punctuation issues.....but I really don't see any major diciplines to harbor here :)

     

    I wish you the best buddy.....Very nice job, and thanks for bringing us freshness to read, review and critique.....it's a pleasure to have you be a part of the PO' contests :)

     

    ....good luck with this, and your talents are crazy dude :)

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   10....loved it -

    Flow   9.9

    Depth   10

    Theme   9.95

    Feelings   9.8

    Grammar   9.75.....bring on the metaphores!

    Presentation 9.7

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  10

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score: 99.1

    Rockin score!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~


  • faithwhisperer silver member
    April 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ryan,

    I find myself enjoying your poems very much from week to week. They're always unique and keep me guessing. Once again, you don't disappoint! I think this is a great idea on this theme, and your flow, language, and flow all coincide with your idea. "The shameless stares at legs" seems to be the only line I notice that trips my tongue a bit. Thanks for your entry!

    My Score:

    Rules: 10
    Theme: 10
    Title: 9
    Flow: 9
    Imagery: 9.5
    Ponder Effect: 9
    Depth: 9
    Spelling/grammar: 9
    Language Use: 9.5
    Imagination: 9.5

    Total Scores: 93.5

    Clever poem! Remember, once a judge has touched your poem, no editing please!


  • everyone1 gold member
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Enticingly unique!

    A very pronounce uniqueness to this poem, and well written, a perfect effort from what i can see...

    Blessings in this contest~

    ~ James ~


  • vibes of heart
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a very different theme...sure has to be read more than once ...(nice way to make sure people read ur work more!! haha) truly a great poem v different and penned very differently.it didnt rhyme yet flowed easy!all the best


  • aboomer silver member
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Unique theme! The more I read this, the more I liked it. Great images, interesting, reads nicely.
    best wishes in the contest

  • A floatingleaf silver member
    April 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great write...a weakness in one area, creates strength in another...power prevails...


  • islekine gold member
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I always have to read your entry

    more than once...and like a good movie, each time, I catch a bit more. Well done again!
    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on and on!
    *PEACE*


  • Age of Rain
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It was sort of weird, as I read this and realized it flowed perfectly. I looked back and realized it didn't rhyme, yet the words complimented one another. I say this is weird because normally I find words that halt or slow flow. I didn't here. So that is marvelous. Your conversational tone is really, very unique as well. I can almost hear someone saying this in my head. Sorry to blabber on, but your piece was quite good. Best of luck!


  • jamiedoring
    April 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Unique theme? um.....I do think so! lol

    I read this a few times, liking it more each time. I love the ending.

    "But I love the fresh freedom
    of running against the crowd.
    I have a super power.
    A secret super power."

    I truly love to read something different, unique...unlike anything I have read before....and THIS is all of the above. Excellent write. Good luck in the contest!

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