Winking Easter flowers dance with glee
Hosta's playing hide and seek with my ole oak tree
Everywhere spots of green, finally
Reminders of a long winter, littered here and there
Email forwarded to Spring, that said, "it's your turn"
Iris best friends, practicing for a beauty contest
Sunflowers racing to win the Tallest contest
Sol, darting in and out of cumulous clouds
Peonies playing peepie in the wind
Red ruby roses, apply their spring blush
Intertwining morning glories fight for placement
New beginnings, a new season in the sun
Glowing moon flowers play flashlight tag
Spring has sprung.
Author notes
I chose to use acrostic style for this contest.
4/4/2008
POETDONTKNOWIT
A contest entry
- Ruby Topaz Hummingbird by Karl Weiss - Topaz.
1000 points, ended May 17, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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beautiful poem! loved the playful imagery in this and the lovely flow...congrats to you on the bronze
blessings always~ Trisha
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Firstly, I like centred poems.. it's a personal preference so it shouldn't reflect on a persons enjoyment of the words!! A very lovely poem about spring, we are just experiencing Autumn here (in Aus) and I am really looking forward to spring when the glorious wildflowers come out. A lovely reflection of spring, it had a very light quality about it.
. Rewarded 6
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Hi there,
I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read.
My first pseudo-critique would be that reading a centered poem is just so annoying. And yes, this is very much a personal (and biased) opinion, (as is anything in this comment!) but it's based both on reading a lot of poetry and on what editors prefer when you send in poems for potential publications. Centered poems may look more "poetic" but many readers get irritated by the format and that negatively affects the read. Furthermore, the fact that this is centered, hides the acrostic.
My next point is also structural. It's about the forced rhyme in this poem.
I'm thinking that you made the rhyme work mainly by ear instead of by structure. Generally meter is a very important part of writing a poem that will not sound like it has forced rhyme.
When you read something emphasis is placed on some syllables rather than others. This is common sense since people don't talk in monotone.
Now meter itself is just the overarching term for the patterns of stress or emphasis.
I think the easiest way to explain is by example from your poem. This is how the second stanza reads:
WINKing EASter FLOWers DANCE with GLEE
HOSta's PLAYing HIDE and SEEK with MY ole OAK TREE
EVEryWHERE SPOTS of GREEN, FInallY
Or DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH (9 syllables)
DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-DAH(12 syllables)
and DAH-da-DAH-DAH-da-DAH-DAH-da-DAH (9 syllables)
Or ( / - / - / - / - / )
( / - / - / - / - / - / /)
and (/ - / / - / / - / )
Which is the accepted way of writing out the metre of a line.
Dashes or caps ( - or ^ ) are weak syllables and slashes or accent marks ( / ) are strong stresses.
As you see, the lines are dissimilar.
Generally rhyme does not work without meter, because differently-metered (length and stress-organized) lines create a rather jagged effect. Forced rhyme always happens when the two rhyming lines have different meter and length (different pattern of emphasis and different syllable counts.
I could go on, but I'm afraid of insulting your sensibilities if the lack of regular metre was intentional in the poem.
Good luck writing!
Nocturne
. Rewarded 8
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vivid
interesting..
very vivid, and descriptive.
i like it.
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This is a really enjoyable poem that really captures what we all feel during the end of winter. Of course, that was what I was thinking last week when it was cold and dreary, but now that it's painfully hot, I miss the winter a little bit more. But, putting that aside ... I loved the way you brought so many different flowers and other aspects of nature into your poem, and i could feel your impatience with winter and your utter need for the liveliness of spring to hurry up and get here already, and the unabridged excitement for when it does.. I think the only thing i could suggest is aligning (I hope I spelled that right) your poem to the right so the acrostic part is more obvious. But i really loved reading this; good job ^_^
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Wonderful spring poem! I love the imagery!
"Glowing moon flowers play flashlight tag"
Really enjoyed that line!
Thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 4
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Very nicely done indeed. Thank you for your fine entry in the contest.
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Marvellously explicit. Your poem expresses the entire spring season beautifully.Chosen right words and different vocabulary.
Nice write.
Keep writing.
Love
Bi -
LOL YOU did it again!
Your poem is in the shape of a flower pot, to boot! Very cleverly written. There is one misspelled word. Need to use " that where you have words spoken. Take the apostrophe out of "Sunflower's" PLease edit so when I come back, I think you have a good chance of placing! I give you an A+ for creativity!
Shana
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