Two lovers did pack with care
my contents, a luscious cuisine,
of delicacies to entice the senses.
To a secluded field we go
and I made to lie down nearby
in a bed of wildflowers.
And from my wickered view
I glimpse a gourmet indulgence.
First, strawberries to trace the skin
and nibble juicy kisses.
Then, on to drip sweet liquid
to sip out of crevices that shiver.
Whipped cream to smear here and there
where one would savor skin
too sweet to enjoy without a treat.
Two naked forms, sticky with sugar,
greedily lapping at snaking trails of chocolate syrup.
Savoring the taste of their reactions,
I provide the catalyst.
As night chases away the daylight,
the two lovers lie in twilight's gentle grasp.
And though I had my small part in this strange feast
it has left me feeling quite empty.
Author notes
Written for the Erotic Challenge. sex-act from the point of view of a picnic basket. This is the final edit post-judgment. Let me know what you think.~Leah
What do you think?
Comments
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Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 17 (You mixed tenses ... I see you already knew that)
Presentation/creativity = 15 (Spacing yes, also the use of gobble ... that jarred a bit for me. Some lines just felt akward to me ... like the last one ...)
How well you handled the challenge = 20
'Grab me' effect = 16 (I was distracted by the rhythm that was off. I felt that this was a good poem, but that it could have been more powerful)
Overall = 17
TOTAL = 85/100
I like that you tantalised all the senses. I think that I would have been hard pressed to write something about a picnic basket. You did a great job. Just make sure in the future that your tenses aren't mixed and that you read your pieces out loud before submitting them to make sure that they flow off the tongue. Also, the handy wipes (even though they were practical) killed the eroticism for me. Maybe there is a way you could change this.
All of that said, you show great poetential and I can't wait to savour the delicious things you are going to be doing to all my senses. -
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Thanks for your suggestions!
I took some of your advice on my poem. I was wondering what you thought with the changes. Thanks for your help! ~Leah
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Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 20
Presentation/creativity = 19 (one spacing where it shouldn't be)
How well you handled the challenge = 20
'Grab me' effect = 19
Overall = 19
TOTAL = 97/100
I thought you did an excellent job here!
You have made it short and sweet and it's just the way I enjoy writes
Not only did you view it from the picnic basket's point of view but you added that element which makes it unique and thoroughly enjoyable ... the 'guess factor' - what DID happen?
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I could just kick myself for leaving that space that there....I really enjoyed seeing what this challenge pulled out of me. I can't wait for the next one. Thank you~Leah
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This is in my eyes a very impressive piece. And thus, I think you are very much capable of WOWing us judges in future rounds...
Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 20
Presentation/creativity = 19.5 (there are no notable mispellings or punctuation errors but there was an extra space added between the words lay and down. Something that I feel could have been fixed with a more thorough read through.)
How well you handled the challenge = 20
'Grab me' effect = 18
This was well done, however, I think that by giving the images of food with your write there could have been a bit more detail, just to paint a much better picture.
Overall = 19
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total 96.5
**Master Ktulu** -
You get a ten for stepping outside your normal bounds as I have read you. I see you wrote this for a contest which I will have to give you more credit for. I write for no one and will never be told what the subject or form is. Every time I touch an idea it is mine and those who want to touch someone else's idea is a giving soul. This is a great erotic piece of poetry because you never become vulgar. I am impressed. I hope you win. RC
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Robin, you and I see eye to eye on a lot. I have always enjoyed erotic poetry that leaves somethings to the imagination, mine is quite saucy! Well thanks for your encouraging words. Your comments are invaluable to me. Sending love...~Leah
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Very interesting and unique wordplay scheme. The analogies were just spot on for the subject matter and brought the whole scene to life. I've never been good at directives and so am amazed at those who are. This was excellent.
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Thank you. This poem was "work" for me since I have always had my muse clam up when given restrictions. I try not to think of it like that but there is just something about rules....I have always been a rule breaker I guess...Thanks for your comment!~Leah
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I love the way you have used the basket as a box of sensual delights and then as a witness to the action. The sadness of ‘the empty feeling’ of the basket is really quite poignant. Erotica is manipulating as many senses as possible and as this piece is about food I would have liked to see the sense of smell coming into the word play, you certainly enticed the other four senses. I think that would have made this piece pure artistry. One minor error ‘and I made to lay down nearby ‘ of an extra space between lay and down, not enough to spoil the flow but correcting it will enhance the presentation. Enough of my rabbit, on to the score:
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: 20
Presentation/Creativity: 19 the extra space.
How well you handled the challenge:20
Grab me effect: 18 using the sense of smell would have really ‘wowed’ this piece.
Overall:19
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Total:96 -
Man, I thought I kept the tenses straight, but I have found a mistake. Damn Me!
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Where would one gobble?
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I adore this piece. It is both Erotic and Sensual at the same time. Very good use of your prompt. Good Luck on your contest.
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