Slowly swaying in summer breeze
silence broken by whispered words…
Silken sheets shimmering below as
slotted shadows set the scene…
Her gentle twist drawing me shut….
his body kneeling where my slats of light
had throw a visual cage moments before…
Hands now bound, he prostrates to her.
Ambient sounds drift from
a small radio tucked in the corner,
anguished cries escape parted lips…
Alluring laughter as her eyes light up.
Dramatic motion as his body drops,
deepened breath, indrawn… held….
Delicate movements as she
draws his collar tight.
Enlarged pupils staring blankly,
endorphins causing a soft glow
ensuring eternal bonds of
everlasting devotion.
Silence descends as shifting shadows
search the furthest corners of the room
shimmering bodies now entwined,
submission his gift to which I bear witness.
Author notes
Erotic challengr - Round 1
Dragonsong.......................window blinds
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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A great write with a lot of fantastic imagery. You certainly made use of figurative language here. I’m going to be busy drawing this round I see. The narrative drifted POV slightly in the middle but you managed to bring it back beautifully for the last verse. Some editing for punctuation, would certainly create a greater touch artistically, without deterring the flow of your work.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: 18 (minor edits to punctuation would be a benefit to this piece)
Presentation /Creativity: 20
How well you handled the challenge: 18 (the drift from perspective )
Grab me effect:19 (with the edits this would be full marks)
Overall:19
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Total: 94 -
awesome my friend
see you in the next round
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thanks sweets - hugs-
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The imagery was spun with such a flair and the twists and turns were mesmerizing. Loved it!
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This was a really interesting read.. I enjoyed it..I really love the imagery in this piece.. Great write.
Peace to you,
Jetleena
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Excellent piece but like the judges, I found the blinds becomeing more of the background rather than the narrator. The ending was great and recaptured the blinds pov but the middle was lacking something in that area. Overall, this is a fantastic piece of poetry honey!
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Slowly swaying in summer breeze(,)
silence broken by whispered words…
Her gentle twist drawing me shut….(,)(drop the ellipsis)
his body kneeling where my slats of light
had throw(n) a visual cage moments before…(period)
Hands now bound, he prostrates to her.
Ambient sounds drift from
a small radio tucked in the corner,
anguished cries escape parted lips…(ellipsis?)
Alluring laughter as her eyes light up.
Silence descends as shifting shadows
search the furthest corners of the room (period)
shimmering bodies now entwined,
submission his gift to which I bear witness.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 16
(The punctuation is off - overuse of ellipsis. I like the images you conjured up and felt it could be great with some edits. I know you can't edit right now, but this could be an almost perfect piece.)
Presentation/creativity = 18 (I like the submission part, but I felt like the blinds drifted into the shadows and was not narrating sometimes. This took away from a write that was filled with erotic images that I loved.)
How well you handled the challenge = 19
(I agree with Ktulu. I thought the blinds became secondary, but you saved it in the last stanza.)
'Grab me' effect = 19
Overall = 19
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total 91
I loved this piece, since it worked more with subtle hints and insinuation. I also liked that I could imagine what was happening when you just teased. I love the sense of quiet I got from this. This was really excellent. Well done. I am looking forward to reading more of you in this challenge. -
Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 18
There were lines that seemed to be missing punctuation (such as a comma or period)
Presentation/creativity = 20
How well you handled the challenge = 19
This was well done, however, I think that there was some spots that it drifted away from the window blinds...
'Grab me' effect = 20
Overall = 19
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total 96
**Master Ktulu** -
Wow!
The imagery in this one is very powerful. It even overpowers the erotic nature of this piece. It drains it away, so all you have left is raw emotion and personal lust. Interesting. Good Luck. ~Peace~Gar
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~ smiles~ thanks for the comment.. I was hoping for something powerful without being to graphic, since the mind is after all the most powerful erotic zone.. and the ability to fill in the blanks is what makes it individual to each reader...
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whew!
when the page first showed up it was black and blank and set a really touching stage, then that piercingly clear and fascinating image appeared and then your poem! I find it an amazing piece of work and was able to follow it completely, drooling for every line. It looks like you had fun writing this and I certainly enjoyed reading it and traveling too! Best of luck!
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Thank you simpliciti.. o yes I had a ball with this one... when I got the object I was unsure of how to approach it, but I have had a ball. Thanks for the comment
DragonS
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The good news and Bad News:
The good_ I like the poem and the lust of the sensaul embarks to passion portrayed. The bad- The grammmar can be as bad as my own, darling. It's your call here on this one, ption 1- fix the little mistakes, option 2- keep it as is and downgrade a possible excellent write.
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lol I am in a challenge and no edits are allowed till after judging so will leave it .. dont want to get dq'd .. will tweak it later though.. thanks for the comment
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Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 19
There were lines that just came to an abrupt ending for me, but it didn't really take away from the enjoyment
Presentation/creativity = 20
How well you handled the challenge = 19
When I started reading this I knew where it was coming from but here from the third to the fifth stanzas the blinds were nowhere to be found ... your last stanza saved that though, ergo I will give you the benefit of the doubt
'Grab me' effect = 20
Overall = 19
TOTAL = 97/100
I enjoyed this thoroughly - it was soft and sensual yet at the same time hot. You allowed me to come to my own conclusions and the picture you painted was truly wonderful
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