kneeling on the carpet
a mortal volcano nearing
extinction, i flinch when
the door beckons me with a rasp
my arms fight to sink, their silent
longings humming my mind to
join alongside the aching seconds
drifting like lazy
cadillacs going nowhere
and to accept the christ i'd
rejected so long ago
painted as a relic of
a mind no longer
crying for relief
the sun melts through the
blinds in the window
shadows strengthen
in the corners
and my body slouches
to slumber in this beauty
the dissonance in her voice
perturbs my sudden interest
in the dampened floor
the tranquility is broken
and i regret turning my
head to greet her broken gaze
with a smiling second mouth
Author notes
Can't say I've ever written a poem quite like this; figured I'd give it a shot to prove it can, in fact, be non-shitty.
This was originally composed of just the first and last stanzas; I lengthened it for a contest, and now have added a few bits as well, while fine-tuning a couple other things.
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2412607
In a list
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Gorgeously written, but too many gerunds for my taste.
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"gerunds"?
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A good poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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This is really interesting and strange. I love the last line, even though I don't fully understand it. Thank you for entering.
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Outstanding write, i really liked it. keep up the beautiful work. also i must say you followed my rules so for that i thank you. i wish you the best of luck in my contest and thank you for entering this piece. my favorite lines are:
"and i regret turning my
head to greet her broken gaze
with a smiling second mouth"
*~*bee*~* -
Eww. Second mouth? I think maybe, a neck wound? God, this creates a gruesome picture. It's...not bad, considering the topic.
-joan.
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Very interesting write I am really liking it!
Good work, and good luck! -
I really did enjoy this, especially the last line about the second mouth [on the neck, perhaps?]... There was just so much open to interpretation there, a subtle sort of ambiguity that I find is lacking in poetry these days. I'm just glad this wasn't your typical run-of-the-mill emo trash. Thanks for entering!
Laura x
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OK. So, I had to read this twice, because I wasn't really sure what was going on, not because it's unclear, but because I'm just really distracted today. But, I must say, this is the most non-suicide, suicide poem I've ever read. But, then I never read this type of poem, because, frankly I don't like it. However, I actually enjoyed this. More so because of the scene that's created. I felt like I was watching this, and it was really sad. Your imagery is very clean, that's what I noticed the most. The ending shocked me. "second mouth" >>great dark imagery. I was curious though, so where exactly the 2nd one was...maybe that's morbid but I couldn't decide where the gaping wound was...maybe I don't want to know lol.
Well, g'luck in the contest!
~Pt
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Well, think about it--he's turning his head to face her.
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Why don't you just tell me.
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Better to make you think.
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I am thinking! rr...I just have two conflicting thoughts!
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Well, you'd best decide for yourself.
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rrr.... well, I feel like it's a neck wound.That's my final answer Regis!
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well, I think it's either in his throat, or forehead, but then I'm not sure how he'd still be alive, but I guess it's possible lol
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This was really good. It was dark in an undercover type way. Like it wasn't the usual i want to kill myself right out there dark poem. I really liked it. Great write.
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i liked this it was good
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i liiked it alot
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this is really good thanx for entering
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Intricate
This poem is one of the more complex ones that I have read. You are radiating sorrow and regret in you tones and I can definately relate to the theme. Well done. Thank you for entering, Best of luck in my contest! -
Great write, and good luck
Sock -
a good poem, there is a delicate sorrow throughout the piece that holds the reader's attention, and i like the ending with the second mouth. nicely done, good dark imagery.
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Well Written !
I myself do not believe that I have written this kind of poetry , but yes this you prove that if never done , that it can be done just the same. My favorite part in this poem is: The sun melts through the blinds in the window ,shadows strengthen in the shadows....... Good Luck In The Contest ! Brenda gae
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this is really good
captured some images here that could come right into my head like memories, nice shot.
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I like it better with the addons you did, It makes it more imagery. Thanks & good luck
BabyLove--x
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