She looked like a prophecy on 13th and Wash:
the weight of her heels,
the length of her elbows,
the light on her blushed lips the color of
antique roses.
People slowed their cars to see
the girl like fate
walking barefoot in the middle of the city,
flip flops hanging from her long hands
like a pair of broken wings.
Her Delphi toes caressed
the weak strip of grass and godly dandelions
that tried so vainly to play Moses
and split the sea of concrete from asphalt,
all to no avail.
She’s the kind of oracle you can’t trust
until you see,
and then the delicate way she steps
past the spilled glass and oil
to catch a maple seed,
one corner of her mouth laughing
at the secrets of our world,
makes you believe.
Author notes
Not what I expected, but true nonetheless...
A contest entry
- Poetic Prompts by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended April 10, 2008, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
Congrats on gold with this unique piece. I enjoyed reading this. Keep the pen flowing and thank you for sharing this piece with us.
-
Oooh, very nice. I was sucked into it from the very first. Vivid imagery and spectacular wording. I love the fact that it wasn't a whiny emo poem, because there's too many of those on here, but yours is a brilliant example of true, talented poetry. Fantastic.
-
Wow, what a wonderful flow; captivating from the first line, you've drawn such a powerful image here that I can see her out my window
... or wish I could. Beautifully done and more than deserving of the gold.
Ken
-
The ideas are imaginative but do not carry through the emotions as they should
-
i love the details.
"the delicate way she steps / past the spilled glass and oil" and especially "to catch a maple seed / one corner of her mouth laughing"
a very vivid, unique character, and scene, can definetly visualise it, the people stopping their cars, the mystic quality to this girl in the middle of urban sprawl and traffic jam. charming, lovely. and the part comparing the dandelions cracking the sidewalk to Moses is pretty clever and creative.
might consider the use of articles (i.e. "the" in this piece) and the effect of perhaps eliminating a few of them, see how you like it.
"antique roses" seemed perhaps a tad bit clique.
but really fresh, gorgeous piece her. nicely done. -
-
Thank you for both your kind words and your suggestions - both are very much appreciated!
-
-
Beautiful, I can't express what this made me feel.
"the weak strip of grass and godly dandelions
that tried so vainly to play Moses
and split the sea of concrete from asphalt,
all to no avail."
That part amazed me. Shot right into me
-
-
Thanks!
-
-
this is utter beauty
-
I love the imagery, the theme, and just this whole darn poem. Great job.
-
'the weight of her heels,
the length of her elbows,
the light on her blushed lips the color of
antique roses.'
Amazing! So, so lovely. My other favorite part:
'the weak strip of grass and godly dandelions'
-
Good Job !
Even though I am not very familure with this style of writeing . It appears really well written to me.I really like the 2 lines People slow their cars to see thegirl like fate ! I Hope you enjoyed writeing for this contest. Good Luck. And May God Alway's Bless You !!!!!!!Brenda Gae
-
The imagery you use and the way you set the scene are fantastic. I also loved the metaphors you used, especially the "broken wings" one. Great work
-
This is a lovely poem, and if this isn't what you expected, you must let your muse take charge more! The images are rich, evoking the timelessness of a vision, and the juxtaposition of oracle and downtown city streets is really powerful. I most liked the lines /one corner of her mouth laughing at the secrets of our world/, neatly putting our busy lives in a different, more distant perspective.
-
Results must exceed expectations
This is a lilting, lovely piece of rich descriptive poetry. Love all the lines but my favorites are "she's the kind of oracle you can't trust until you see," "the delicate way she steps past spilled glass and oil to catch a maple see"..are marvelous. "spilled glass instead of broken glass is nice and it shows what is laid before a present day oracle and more important, how she deals with it from a sensuous and graceful spirit.
Fantastic!
Tecohe
-
You were suppose to weave one of my prompts in the piece. I didn't catch it. Perhaps I missed it?
-
-
Well it was your phrase:
It was lazy Sunday,
our day
for bare feet and
hot cement.
That inspired this, but like I said it didn't turn out quite like I thought it would, and the phrase got lost somewhere in the interim... *laughs* Maybe I just shouldn't have entered it then - you can DQ it if you'd like.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
