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Still Here

The man playing the violin,

is still here today,

I saw him about a week ago,

at the near-by cafe.

 

Civilians just pass him by,
without a second glance.
Not pausing to hear his music,
Not even giving him a chance.

I bet he's not very rich,
since he plays on the streets.
But I think he's content,
although some ends don't meet.

 

His music is like spring,
something new and exciting.

His music is so soothing,

it's warm and inviting. 


So is this his life,
on the streets in July?
But I bet there's more to him,
that meets the eye.

Author notes

I actually joined on March 25, but didn't know that about this contest until today. I hope that's okay

Did you like it? Were any parts awkward or the like?

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Please see your Private Messages for some important details. Thank you!

  • u.k.atiyodi
    April 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Reminiscences of an unknown artist give a nostalgic feeling. What happened to his violin music


    • shopaholica
      April 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I changed it
      Im not sure if it totally tells you what happened to his music.... but It describes it...


  • Sunduiri
    April 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful

    I love this poem! I wish you the best of luck in this contest. I did notice something tho... in the last stanza did you mean to put two "is" in it?
    So is this is his life,

    Sunduiri

    • shopaholica
      April 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oops!
      I was deciding between:
      So this is his life,
      and
      So is this his life, and I guess I must have put both by accident xD lol!

  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    April 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hi there! Thank you for entering our
    site with such a special piece. You
    adhered to criteria so well by telling
    the reader what he was thinking and also
    allowing the listeners to have a role in
    the reactions.

    I like the rhymed scheme you used for
    this. It was rather musical which enhanced
    the theme.

    I'll admit that the last stanza was outstanding.
    It ties up the thought process by using all
    of the senses... hearing, seeing, and perceiving!

    *Suggestions*
    A few of the rhymed words read a bit 'forced'.
    I wonder if you could work with the meter
    so that it doesn't seem that way.

    Double-used words can weaken a strong poem.
    I would try to replace one of the words 'bet' so that
    this keeps the strength you intended.

    Otherwise, it is a very good one! Thank you so
    much and welcome!


    • shopaholica
      April 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks!
      Your comment was very helpful
      But what do you mean by "Forced"?


      • Nakatrea
        April 4, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        she means that the rhymes are there but they aren't super flowing. Its something you will get comments on all the time. Its all about the words you pick. try and be creative and not cliché/cheesy. that will earn you respect as a poet Cali. GOod luck in the contest!

        Kat

1 - 9 of 9