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Someones Dream


You pinched my numbness
when I tried to climb up.
But it seems my umbilical cord
is rather elusive.

 

"Cut again"

Your

      slippery dream,


returns my eyes to oblivion.

 

My wanting cries

sing lullabies to your wanting hearts 

 

How

 

I hated the watch maker,

 

numbering my newest of existences

 

A speckle of dust twinkles 

on another black shiny canvass.

 

How long, since I grew...

 

 

Author notes

Author: Timespell...OPTION 20::_Make me think.

If you want to know what this is all about just ask!!

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • Plastic Dreams
    December 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I will say I definitely want to figure out exactly what it is this means. I get the idea of birth and the "watch maker" cutting again. Overall, I can feel the darkness slipping between each line. And when you say "numbering my newest of existences" it makes me wonder of the idea of karma and a rebirth but in a much more demonic way. Either way I enjoyed this write. But do tell me what exactly is being conveyed. thanks for the submission


  • Sick Sunshine
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    ...

    I love your wording but honestly it was difficult to understand.


  • Jfd
    October 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well this is def. very though provoking as the prompt requested you to do....I loved this part:
    "I hated the watch maker,



    numbering my newest of existences



    A speckle of dust twinkles

    on another black shiny canvass.



    How long, since I grew... "

    though I'm not sure If i like the repetition of "wanting" in:
    "My wanting cries

    sing lullabies to your wanting hearts "

    For some reason I read it as "warning cries" then realized my mistake, sounds better in my head I guess haha.....overall, very nice job!


  • Soten-Jaganshi
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good write. I loved how the essence seemed just beyond grasp, and that i was always missing something i'd already found.

    Thanks for entering and goodluck!

  • know one
    August 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I felt there was some deep meaning to this poem,but I just can't quite put my finger on it...intresting.I like the sence on myistry it gave me,thanks for entering.


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    June 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Ok, I have read this three times. It has won gold. And it is a deserved trophy. This is written very well indeed. And it flows so well too. But, and once again, I have to say this, this did not grab my attention. It did not make me stand and go YES!  THIS IS DARK! The darkness is missing, where is it? What have you done with it?

     

    When writing 'dark' pieces, the reader HAS to have an affinity with the character/situation [as in any genre of story or poem]. If that affinity is NOT THERE, then they stop reading half-way through, simple as that. Never at any point, did I feel an affinity, or fear. Never did I shiver, or was held spellbound.

     

    If you did not mean this to be 'dark' then it is a very good piece indeed[but it then begs the question, what are you doing in a 'dark' group?] Anyway, as I have said, this piece, although it is written so well, did not grab my attention.

     

    I did not feel fear, coursing through my veins. And my blood did not run cold, at any point.  Again, this is not meant as a negative criticism, rather, it is trying to force you to SEE MORE WITHIN THE DARKNESS. Make your reads understandable to many, not the few, and STEP OUT OF THE BOX!

     

    Two claps for you.

     

    With

    Dark

    Wishes

    Wayne Leon 


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I just..had..to read it again!

    It's interesting...each time you read this poem,
    a new line breaks through to you...how wonderfully you
    wrote this!
    way to write!
    ears/Seattle thankyou for sharing, I adore your
    fearless poetry!


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very lucid..

    Congrats


  • Para-Dressage
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i dont know what else was in the competition but wow! this is sweet...... just yeah dont even have the words to describe it!!!! well done


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    June 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    This is a fantastic piece of writing!

    WEll deserving of the GOLD that shines!
    way to pierce those simile's and metaphors boldly!
    ears/Seattle


  • herrlurch
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Don't tell me what it's about,

    but a lot of the atmosphere stems from your poem's ambiguity: the reader is left with some gaps to fill in for himherself, and these leave him with a feeling of uneasiness. That's excellent. Are your dark days over, man? rotfl
    PS congratulations on the golden trophy.


  • crimson-river
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    hmmm

    interesting..
    like the subject..
    never read anything quite like it.
    well written.


  • Cynthia Gaines gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congratulations on the gold!!!

    WOW-Dynamite work! Good luck on all the future contest, Poet! Peace, Cyn


  • Rovingone gold member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Newest of existences, seems like birth is a reincarnation here. And, the speckle of dust on another black shiny canvass. How long since I grew, makes birth seem like a case of dejevu. I like the words, they trick along well. Good piece.


  • untouched pages
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hmm well.... this a poem that im not really sure what it is about. I kinda think this is a newborn baby speaking or thinking??? But you do have my stumped there I'm not really sure at all!!

    This is a wonderfuly written poem tho.. I love the way it all flows together!! Snaps goes to you for that!!

    The last nice puzzled me alot.. "How long, since I grew... " TO me it almost sounds to be bad english... shouldn't it be since I've grown??

    thank you for this write.. Keep up the great penning!
    ~*Cristy*~


  • MuffinEnthusiast
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very fluid poem, very entrancing. I enjoyed reading it very much.
    "How long, since I grew..."

    That last line, especially, was very poignant and summarized the entirety of the work well.

  • Sestos
    May 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yes! Nice pace in this.


  • trekkergirl
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    your poem someone's dream

    first thing I can think of to say is huh?

    Not really sure what the poem is about. I kinda think this is a newborn baby speaking here. But not real sure.

    Though it is written well. The words fit well together and reads with a good rhythm to it. Just not real sure what the whole things is about.

    Good job writing it though. You are very talented and the reason that I might not be getting the idea of your story may just be me.

    trekkergirl

  • Climbing2nothing
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your

    slippery dream,


    returns my eyes to oblivion


    ah ha! your aware of sum thing, aurasum, the evolution end, the ether creative, love and begun with birth dreams, makes rather an enlightened piece, enjoyed the weird typing too cause timing and enhanced spaces in a poem is a great power to yeld indeed...

    anyheys w happy endings, a torch and sunglasses
    -JAS


  • TheDemonEve
    May 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The element of mystique is blended perfectly with a more raw and rugged side. This really got the wheels turning, and I love the darker twist at the end. VERY nicely done!

    Best of luck and thanks for entering!


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    May 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm... I was looking for a word to describe this piece, and I'll go with Grimoire's 'intriguing'. Even though I had no idea what your theme was, I was still captivated by your stunning words. So glad that the weird typing wasn't overdone though; it hurts my eyes!

    Anyway, I think Grimoire said everything for me and then some. Congrats on that shiny gold cup, very well done, and good luck!

    Laura


  • Grimoire
    May 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the gold.
    This is an intriguing poem, it has a very ambiguous quality and could be about so many possible things. I gather it is about birth/rebirth and the flux of time, aeons again which come and go.

    until immolation,
    Grimoire


  • individuality gold member
    April 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a good piece of poetry you have penned - dreams, they are always slippery little things i think, one minte there, the next they have vaished into the mist.

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