The Bath
How I love her manicured feet,
As they slide into my wet heat.
Lowering herself, legs glide along my sides,
Her firm buttocks slide, bump and grind.
I swell with lust and my faucets drip,
I surround her bust and lap at her clit.
My wetness swells as I kiss her nipples,
Her fingers are so long and nimble.
With a firm hand she grasps the hand shower,
Directing the nozzle she sprinkles her flower.
As she fingers her glistening genitals,
She exposes herself, like a morning glory’s petals.
My pipes are swelling I have a need,
I want to spurt her with my seed.
It may be wet and only water,
But this is what I feel when I bathe your daughter.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I love this piece, I actually get a sense of the bath tub’s senses and feelings. You have certainly shown creativity and imagination and a piece I would want to illustrate. Using a background is against the challenge criteria so I am forced to deduct marks from an otherwise excellent write. The imagery of the write didn’t need it.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: 20
Presentation/Creativity: 18
How well you handled the challenge: 15 (keeping to criteria is as much a part of the challenge as anything else).
Grab Me Effect: 20 you certainly grabbed me with this one.
Overall: 19
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Total:92 -
chuckles
you have set the bar high!
I will be reconsidering that cold shower .. grins and hugs.. nice one my frined!
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Thanks hun i appreciate it, well if i didnt set the bar high, it would not be me
ang
Mwah
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How I love her manicured feet,(no need for the comma)
As they slide into my wet heat.
Lowering herself, legs glide along my sides,
Her firm buttocks slide, bump and grind.
I swell with lust and my faucets drip,
I surround her bust and lap at her clit.
My wetness swells as I kiss her nipples, (full stop her would work)
Her fingers are so long and nimble.
With a firm hand she grasps the hand shower,
Directing the nozzle she sprinkles her flower.
As she fingers her glistening genitals,
She exposes herself, like a morning glory’s petals.
My pipes are swelling I have a need,
I want to spurt her with my seed.
It may be wet and only water,
But this is what I feel when I bathe your daughter.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation: 17 (Caps on every line and also the few punctuation errors I picked up.)
Presentation/creativity: 15 (The background had to be plain, sorry for deducting this from your score.)
How well you handled the challenge: 20 (You did exactly what was asked for.)
Grab me effect: 20 (Loved the heat, the sensual nature of this, the unforced rhyme ... wonderful. )
Overall: 19
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Total: 91
I thought this was probably one of the best poems from you that I have rad so far. I enjoyed it tremendously.
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Thank you for your wonderful comments tanzanite, they are truly appreciated. as for the background well this will certainly teach me to read what is expected of me. i have to admit, i had fun writing this *giggles*
ang
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ROFLMAO!! This piece is fantastic! lmao I love the way you presented this but hon, they may get you on the background.
Great job!
*walks away chuckling and knowing that I might never look at the bath tub the same again*
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Thank you for reading and commenting, i have been penalized for the background, but alas that is my own stupidity.
ang -
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Don't feel bad... I did the same... and got points taken for the background as well... lmao
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Captivating!
Charmed me throughout...
Last line very unexpected....
I wish to be bathed by you, honey!
Kisses, honey!
Galaxy2
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giggles all naughty like .... you will have to get past my wife first
Thanks for reading and commenting
ang -
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Your giggles make my desire even stronger...Won't you like me to wash like a baby doll, sweetie?
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Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 18 (every line started with a capital)
Presentation/creativity = 15 (enjoyed the creativity part, but unfortunately the presentation that was called for was plain background)
How well you handled the challenge = 20 (you knew EXACTLY what you were doing from the bath tubs pov
)
'Grab me' effect = 20 (enjoyed this one tremendously - imaginative and was looking forward to the next line)
Overall = 18
TOTAL = 91/100
The entire story was really well thought out and the rhyming scheme was truly well done
It is a pity that the background wasn't plain as the score would've been higher then
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Thank you for your comments and critiques, they are greatly appreciated. In future i shall make sure i read what is required re backgrounds etc.
thanks for the outstanding mark.
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Ohh..very well done. I liked the rhyme that did not seem forced at all.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation: 17 (I noticed that every line was capitalized, was there a particular reason? Other than that the rest of this was spot on.)
Presentation/creativity: 15 (ALL backgrounds were to be plain colored and not any print so I have to deduct 5 for that as well.)
How well you handled the challenge: 20 (I think you grasped exactly what you needed to for this challenge)
Grab me effect: 20 (It was short but I loved every word of this. )
Overall: 18 (I think had the background been plain and not every line been capitalized, your score would have been much higher.)
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Total: 90
**Master Ktulu** -
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Thank you for your wonderful comments Master Ktulu. The only reason every line is capitalized is that is how Word usually sees the new lines, and iv never changed it. In future i shall however make sure it is done properly.
thanks
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