When the world looks down upon us,
When caught in undecision, the heart cries out,
When there's none around and the guiding light is dim,
The reassuring embrace, parents come up, and help unsung!
Time might have torn us apart,
But the invisible golden strand remains
Without words and letters, they hear our call
Instantly reach us, the intimacy trails
A flicker suggests, they are our lamps
Forever ours, Nature's true friends
A significant part of our lives,
Parents are everything, beyond our sight
Author notes
written by me at the time when I caught in a tumult and there was no one around to guide me, as being in a hostel, parents are quite far, but still, parents DO get an inkling of whats going on, and come up to help us though our mouths are sealed....
I need some genuine comments, as have written after quite a long time!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Nice piece
This is true, our parents connect to us in the most unique of ways; even if in the most negative. Although this is a positive poem, it shows the good side. When people lack proper parents their lives are lead differently, they don't manage to get lost in the same kind of situations..their more ignorant and more adaptive per se. Parents show us light through there eyes and I agree, they are everything...to a point. The point where parents guiding light begins to blind you, we begin to have issues and struggle as people like never before. Enjoyable read, 7/10!
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My children are not sure of this but do seem to gravitate when things go wrong. LOL They don't even realize it.
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"Time might have torn us apart, but the golden stand remains" is a great line. It's unfortunate that there are untold numbers of people that can not relate to this, but I am at least one of them, and you capture the sentiment well.
Good job.
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Welcome Back to AllPoetry
Time might have torn us apart,
But the invisible golden strand remains
Without words and letters, they hear our call
Instantly reach us, the intimacy trails <---- what a sharply expressed portion of this poem. I think we can all relate to this!
There is wisdom here, so I am so glad to see that. We go through so much and watch our elders melt down. That is how we understand each other. You paint that picture here should that have been your intention.
*Form*
The form flatters the theme just fine.
Clarity is well executed.
In the first stanza, I would juggle the words, or minimize by leaving out something in this line. It drops the attention::
The reassuring embrace, parents come up, and help unsung! Last two words are verbs, which could work, but not as well at the end of the stanza.
Since this is free verse, and except for the first line of each stanza, I would drop the capitals at the beginnings subsequent lines. This produces a very special 'subtltey' that makes the meaning brighter. It is amazing sometimes what aesthetics can do for a thought that could even be ambiguous. ( For an example, see my list under "Duettes & My Own Forms")
Overall, you gave a fresh take to a common thought.
Thank you for giving me the treat of critiquing.
Warmly, CookieZeal/D
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Oh! thank u so much for taking out the time for commenting..i thoroughly appreciate this...thanks for giving me a picture of the actual true critique!
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You have written it well. A real good effort.. but a few suggestions would make it all the more fine..
1. change it to 'beyond our sight', in your last line.
2. In your first line, Time might have suits better..
just your grammar has to be c hecked at places.. otherwise wonderfully felt and described.. Well done madhu..
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