ugh

you always hated when i would pretend i wanted to kiss you and then blow a lungful of smoke down your throat. your expression was so cute when you wrinkled your nose and told me i was mean to you whenever i got high. i would laugh mirthlessly and find myself fifteen minutes later at your feet, begging for forgiveness while you tried to hold me away from the wall. the sudden piercing headaches i got in the middle of class were a friendly reminder, i love you i love you i love you so much it makes me hurt myself.

do you remember the very beginning, before my inner bitch crawled out and devoured you whole? we were under the dimmed lights on your leather couch and you were unbuttoning my three-button jeans while a movie neither of us was watching played on your tv. i remember the next morning while i stood in your shower and that night while i writhed and wept in my own bed, reaching out for a you that wasn't there.